Mass Effect: The Things that Need to be Parodied
by chapellefan
Summary: Commander Shepard, an Alliance soldier embarks on a quest to save the galaxy, by making moral choices and shooting everything else. Watch as he struggles with Mako driving, love triangles, conversation trees and much, much more! Rated T for humor.
1. Tutorial Level aka Prolouge

**Disclaimer:** The following is a parody. I do not own or claim to own the property Mass Effect. Mass Effect is a product of the Bioware company. Please support the official release.

**A/N:** In the Fanfiction world, there are two types of parodies. The first kind uses insightful wit to entertain an intelligent crowd. The other just throws in as many jokes he thinks are funny until one of them emits a slight chuckle. This is the later

**A/N 2:** Due to the short amount of time I have, I was not able to beta-read this properly. If anyone would like to volunteer their services, please leave a private message and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

**Mass Effect: The Things that Need to be Parodied**

As a lone figure watched from space, several men could be heard chatting in the background.

"Well, what about Shepard? He's mostly lived on Earth, but his parents served with the Alliance."

"I met them, lovely couple. You should try their recipe for Meatloaf."

"He handled that mission to Lost Sumor quite well."

"Is that the type of person we want protecting the galaxy?"

"Umm… I think he's the only person _left_ who qualifies."

"Oh right. I'll make the call."

The man turns back. "I can hear you, you know."

_In the year 2148, explorers on Mars discovered the remains of an ancient spacefaring civilization. In the decades that followed, these mysterious artifacts revealed startling new technologies, enabling travel to the furthest stars. The basis for this incredible technology was a force that controlled the very fabric of space and time._

_They called the greatest discovery in human history, save Hot Pockets._

_However, all the good names had been taken: Star Trek, Stargate, Big Bang Theory, and many more. Thus the scientists finally settled on the name…_

**Mass Effect**

In deep space, a small carrier swooped down pass a planet. A lone figure passes by many of the ship's crew. After much swooping and zipping, the lone figure reveals to be a man.

A man by the name of Shepard, Monkey D. Shepard.

Then, the ship suddenly passes a gate and makes the jump to Hyperspace- Err, I mean **FTL Travel**.

Thus Shepard eavesdropped in on the conversation between his pilot and his companion.

The pilot with a cap and beard commented on the systems. "Thrusters check, Navigation check, Internal emission systems online. Drift, just under 1700 K."

However, a Turian agent commented loudly on the speed. "1700 K is too fast. Lower it to 1500."

The pilot grumbled loudly. "No one likes a backseat driver."

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" The pilot said.

As soon as the Turian agent left, Shepard stood behind the pilot having a conversation with Lt. Kaiden Alenko.

"I hate that guy."

"He's just giving you good advice. You do drive a little too fast sometimes."

"Hey, I just drove through a checkpoint the size of a needle, so don't criticize! Besides, Spectres are trouble."

"What's the big deal?" Shepard asked. "He's just a Spectre."

"All I know is that this is bigger than any shakedown run. There's something bigger going on here, I just know it."

"Joker," A deep yet smooth voice called through the intercom. "Tell Commander Shepard to meet me in the com room."

The Pilot sighed. "Alright, but I think Nihlus is heading your way."

"Umm… I'm already here?" The Turian said awkwardly.

"Oh." Joker said.

"Well, this is just awkward, so I think I'll head into the com room now."

After finally being able to take control of his character, Shepard looked through his pause window and explored the CODEX. There, he opened up an article about the Alliance."

"**The Alliance is a supranatural organization consisting of all the major nations in the world."**

Shepard immediately closed his Codex. "What the hell was that?"

"**Hello there. I'm the Narrator voice. You may remember me from such games as Crackdown, and Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2: Electric Boogaloo." **

"Can I know who you are?" Shepard asked.

"**Wouldn't you like to know?"**

Grumbling to himself, Shepard decided to continue towards the com room when he bumped into Navigator Pressley talking to the com.

"Oh, didn't see you there, Commander." He said, giving a salute. "I'm just a bit concerned with our Turian guest."

"Nihlus is on our side, Pressley."

"But that's just the thing, why would the Council send a Spectre for just a simple shakedown run? Call me suspicious, but I think there's something bigger going on here."

Shepard sighed. "Yeah… why don't you go tell Alenko and Joker that while I head into the com room?"

"Will do, Commander."

Now, Shepard was almost at the com room when he overheard a conversation between Corporal L. Jenkins and Doctor Chakwas.

"Hey Commander, we won't be staying on Eden Prime too long, will we Commander? I'm dying for some real action!"

"Not that I'm one to judge, but I think the Corporal will make a fine candidate on the front lines." Dr. Chakwas said in a particularly thick accent. "In fact, I almost recommend he join you on whatever hazardous mission you venture on."

Shepard took a step back. "Sure… Hey Jenkins, what do you know about Eden Prime?"

"Farming world, Commander. It was one of our first colonies. I remember it like it was yesterday, where my parents found me playing in a crater."

The Commander jumped up. "Wait, Jenkins. Your family found you in a crater?"

"Oh, that was because I fell. It was my brother they found in a crater."

"I see… what happened to your brother?"

"Oh, I think he's a columnist for the local paper. Always was a boring guy."

After a brief silent exchange between the doctor and the Commander, Shepard spoke up again.

"Is the Captain inside?" Shepard asked.

"No, but Nihlus is. Spectres don't come down on shakedown runs. You know, I'm beginning to think-"

"Lemme guess." Shepard asked. "There's something bigger going on."

Jenkins smiled. "You're sharp, Commander!"

"I guess I am. I better head into the com room."

Inside, Shepard met with the Turian agent Nihlus, analyzing a picture of Eden Prime.

"Beautiful, isn't it? What can you tell me about Eden Prime, Shepard?"

Shepard shrugged. "It has… nice atmosphere?"

Nihlus nodded. "Yes… but it's much more than that, isn't it? It shows humanity's real attempt to colonize worlds in space. Amazing, wouldn't you say?"

Shepard felt awkward. "Umm…. Yes?"

"Are you sure Humanity's ready for this?"

Just then, Captain Anderson appeared on board with the smoothest voice ever to be heard by ears.

"I think it's time we told you what's really going on, Commander."

"Okay." Shepard responded. "What's really going on?"

The Captain walked towards Nihlus. "Scientists on Eden Prime unearthed a beacon. It was Prothean."

"I thought the Protheans died out 50,000 years ago."

"Yes, but we're still bumming their technology today. This is big, Shepard; the last time we unearthed Prothean ruins, it jumped our technology 200 years. Without it, we'd still be stuck on Earth, making promises to go to Mars, though Virgin Airways is the only company that can actually do it."

Nihlus stepped forth. "Your mission is to go down, retrieve the beacon, and get out."

"Since the Chain of Command doesn't want this getting out, we've been very careful that the crew doesn't suspect a thing."

Shepard stared sheepishly. "Right… So, is Nihlus here because of the Council?"

"That, and he's also recruiting for the Spectres. You in particular."

"Wait, I'm a level 1 character, and I'm a candidate for the Spectres? What about the other crew members?"

Captain Anderson shook his head. "They're NPC's; they don't count."

"What about Kaiden?"

"He has weird hair."

"What about you, Captain?"

The Captain stood back and looked to the side. "It's… something I'd rather not talk about."

"Besides Shepard, I've read your file. I know what you did on Lost Sumor!"

A silence filled the room.

"And?"

"You did well. I mean, a few people died, but you mostly defeated the enemy."

Shepard sighed. "Alright, fine. I assume this will be good for Humanity, so let's get this show in the road."

"Excellent!" Nihlus said. "One more thing."

"What?" Shepard asked.

"Does this suit look too red to you?"

"Huh? Uhh… I think it looks fine."

"That's good. I just wanted to look best for my little Challus when I get home." The Turian agent pulled out a picture. "He's only 3 years old, and he's so adorable! You want a copy?"

"_Captain! I got a feed from the planet!_" Joker said through the com.

"Play it, Joker." The video showed a battlefield torn with gunfire and explosions. Several soldiers died while the rest ducked down for cover. However, the battlefield seemed to pause in silence as an eerie sound emanating from a large ship passed across the sky. Then, the transmission faded into static.

"That's all there is."

"Joker, rewind 15 seconds before end."

The tape was reversed as the Captain squinted rather closely at the screen.

"There."

"What is it Captain?"

"If you squint your eyes and blur them a little bit, you can see the words 'Peas' in there."

Shepard looked to both sides. "Sir?"

Nihlus leaned in as well. "I-I can't really see it."

"You sort to have to stare real close and then take a few steps back."

"Wait, I got it- I got it! No, I lost it."

"Captain, the mission?"

"Oh, right! A small team should be able to move quickly. Tell Jenkins and Alenko to suit up."

Shepard nearly left when one thing occurred to him.

"Nihlus, just who were the other human candidates you were considering?"

"Well, one was an Earthborn orphan who went and got most of his platoon killed on Torfan. He went mad and went on a killing spree. Then there was the lone woman who survived being captured by Batarian slavers and a Thresher Maw attack on Akuze; she's currently undergoing psychological treatment. Then, there was a true hero. He was a Spacer who held off the Bartarians in the Skyllian Verge, the hero of the Blitz. He was truly remarkable!"

"What happened to him?"

"One day, a stray puppy ran on the freeway. Quickly, he got in the way and tossed the puppy aside to its owner, dying a hero's death. His parents were so proud. (Sniff)."

Shepard sighed. "Gee, I wonder why we're so short of Human candidates…"

* * *

_Nearing Eden Prime…_

"Your job's to secure the beacon and get out, you got it?"

"Nihlus." Jenkins asked. "You coming?"

"I move faster on my own. Besides, I'm sure I'll be fine." He said as he leapt from the Normandy.

"Your team's the muscle. Go in there and hit hard."

"Aye, aye, sir!"

Shepard and his crew landed on the planet, flames of burning homes coloring the skies. After a brief entry to the menu screen, Shepard was ready to move out.

"Okay, weapons ready, shields up, characters leveled up. Alright, let's do this!"

As they ventured forth, the Lieutenant screamed. "Oh my god! What is that!"

Everyone pulled out their guns. Jenkins scoffed. "That's just a gas balloon."

"Oh." Kaiden said. "Oh my god, what is that!"

"Kaiden, that's a rock."

Shepard decided to take a shot at the balloons to test his aim.

"Holy mother of- That was loud!"

"Kaiden, next time scream when there's something with a gun pointing at us."

The three ventured forth only to see a couple of Geth recon drones. Shepard and Kaiden were lucky to hide behind some rocks. However, Jenkins was foolhardy enough to get gunned down. After a quick and rather easy skirmish, Kaiden looked down at the body.

"Ripped right through his shields. He didn't have a chance."

"Wait. If the guns ripped through his shields, why are we still alive?"

'I don't know. I guess that's what happens when you're main characters. C'mon, let's get moving."

After a few more easy opponents of Geth recon droids, Shepard noticed the command on how he could proceed.

"Kaiden, see that glowing jalapeño there? Run to it."

"Aye, aye, sir!" Kaiden said, running toward the jalapeño.

After much practice, the two finally made it over a hill, only to see a young marine take down two Geth recons by herself. However, all was not well when the synthetics plowed a metal spike through a Marine. Quickly, Shepard and Kaiden rushed to the woman's side and defeated the synthetics.

"Woah. Thanks for the help, Commander."

"What happened here?"

"Oh man, we were surrounded. We were just on patrol and then the Geth ambushed us. It's a good thing I ran awa- I mean, ran to get help. Too bad the rest of my squad wasn't so lucky."

"The Geth?" Kaiden repeated. "Impossible. The Geth haven't been seen beyond the Veil for centuries. What are they doing here now?"

The soldier shrugged. "Not sure. Might have something to do with that beacon."

"Can you take us to it?" Shepard asked.

"Sure. It's right down there."

"Somewhat convenient that after we've lost a soldier, we've found a replacement already. There's something disturbing about that."

"Name's Chief Gunnery Ashley Williams, sir."

"Let's go."

After another brief skirmish and more directions involving a giant jalapeño, the crew finally made it to the beacon site, only to find that it was completely empty.

"Damn," Williams said. "The Beacon must've been moved."

"By who? Our side or the Geth?"

Shepard looked around. "Well, looks like this tutorial's not over yet. Let's go over this hill."

As the party of three went up the hill, Shepard's com rang. "Lotta dead bodies here. Shepard. Change of plans. I'll meet you at the tram station."

The crew then ventured forth to find large number of Geth spikes suddenly lower down to reveal living beings covered in synthetic markings.

"What did the Geth do to them?" The Gunnery Chief yelled as they ran towards them. Unfortunately when one of them came in close contact with them, or maybe just fell into their vicinity, they immediately exploded static which messed with their shields. Luckily, the crew was able to detain them without trouble.

"Hey, look over there." Ash said. "There might be survivors in that bunker."

Thus, Shepard used his powerful decryption skill which consisted of a rather slow moving, easy, button pressing game.

"Heh. I knew all those years playing Simon would come in handy."

The female scientist felt relieved."Humans, thank goodness. We were afraid it was those Geth."

However, a wormy assistant shriveled in fear. "The Geth? Ha! They're nothing, I tell you. Nothing!"

Shepard calmed them down. "I'm glad you're safe. Can you tell us where the Beacon is?"

"We moved it to the Tram station. Head there, and you should be able to find it."

"Curse words, collectors, violence, new DLC!"

The Commander turned to the doctor. "What's wrong with your assistant?"

"Forgive Manuel. His father is one of the lead developers for Mass Effect 2. One day, Manuel stumbled across the main script, and the results presented in a non-theatrical way were too much for his mind to handle. He struggles with spoiler alerts all the time."

"You! You're going to die!" He said.

"Isn't that more of an inevitability than a spoiler?"

"Well, take care. I'll look over Manuel."

The crew quickly left the bunker and headed towards the hill.

* * *

_Tram station…_

Nihlus slowly crept forth, his shotgun ready to fire. However, a single sight froze him on the spot.

"Saren? What are you doing here?"

There, with gray, jagged skin, Saren appeared. "Nihlus, I thought you could use some help on this mission."

"How did you know, though? My files were top secret."

"Hey, Nihlus, how old was your little Challus again?"

Nihlus smiled. "Oh! He's just turned three. Let me see if I can find a picture. Damn, it's somewhere in my wallet."

Saren aimed a gun behing Nihlus's head. "You do that."

* * *

_A good distance away…_

A loud gunshot was heard in the distance.

"Well," Shepard said. "That was ominous."

As they continued to walk, the Lieutenant shouted. "Oh my God! What is that thing?"

"What?" Shepard said. "I don't see anything."

"Look at the size of that ship!" Ash shouted.

"I can't see it!"

"Look up, Commander!" Kaiden shouted.

Shepard continued staring at the ground. "I'm trying!"

"Right Analog stick down!"

"Oh. Holy moly!" There, he caught the last moments of the giant cockroach fleeing the planet.

Then, the crew had to face more Geth and Husks attacking them. However, since this was the first planet, they weren't very tough. So, after a brief victory, the crew headed down to the Tram station only to find Nihlus's dead body, in a puddle of blood.

"Great," Shepard muttered. "Murphy's Law sure is a bitch."

"Wait, something's rustling behind those crates." Ashley said.

"Don't shoot!" The dock worker said. "I was here when it happened. Another Turian tricked your friend into showing him his family's pictures. He didn't have a chance."

Shepard sighed. "Sometimes a man can love his family too much. Do you know where they moved the Beacon?"

"It should be at the other side of this tram. Take it and you should get there."

"Thanks." So Shepard and his crew continued onto the tutorial level.

* * *

_Elsewhere…_

Saren turned to a Geth Shock trooper. "Set the charges. We're leaving."

Then, the Turian turned to the Prothean Beacon and floated a foot off the air.

* * *

"Nice tram." Shepard said when he got off. "It's too bad we had to take it during the one time Geth attack this planet."

"Look!" Ash shouted. "Bombs!"

Kaiden turned to the commander. "You'll have to disable them, quick!"

"How?" Shepard quipped. "I don't have any training in disarming bombs!"

"Don't worry," Kaiden replied. "I'm sure it's as easy as pressing a button."

To Shepard's surprise, it _was_ as easy as pressing a button and waiting until the timer bar filled up. Thus, as the crew continued to fire and kill Geth, Shepard's newfound button pressing skills disarmed all the bombs and saved the colony. How convenient.

Finally, after a few more Geth, Shepard and his crew made it to the Beacon.

"Normandy, this is Commander Shepard. Get over here so we can pick up this thing."

"Oooh, glowing." Ashley said. However, to her mistake, she was quickly pulled towards the beacon. Shepard saw this, and leapt into the field, throwing Williams out of the way. However, he was quickly lifted up into the air, and shown visions of unimaginative horror. He was shown sights of synthetics slaughtering humans, cold dead machines eating away at human planets, entire systems set on fire, **Frank Miller's The Spirit**, and much more visions of horror.

Finally, the beacon exploded, tossing Shepard out of the way.

"Oh, I fell on my keys." Shepard groaned before falling unconscious.

(**A/N: **Can the Alliance find a way to explain the ruined beacon? Will Saren get away with his crimes? Will Commander Shepard survive a landing on his keys? Find out next time on **Mass Effect: The Things that Need to be Parodied**)


	2. The Citadel

**A/N:** The Following is a fanbase parody. Mass Effect and all of its properties are copyrighted to the Bioware company. Please support the official release.

**Mass Effect: The Things that Need to be Parodied: Citadel**

_In Deep Space…_

A well-endowed Asari approached from behind to address Saren. "Apparently, there was an Alliance vessel on Eden Prime. It was under the command of Captain Anderson."

"And the Beacon?" Saren asked.

"One of the marines may have _touched it._"

Suddenly, the blue backdrop turns a harsh red, as Saren throws a tantrum much like the Bioware fans who were given an MMO instead of a real sequel. Just as Saren was about to hit the Asari, he stopped at the sight of her cleavage and calmed down.

"Hmm… Pretty."

"It pays to be beautiful." She spoke to herself.

* * *

_Back on the Normandy…_

Commander Shepard awoke in a dizzy stupor. He found himself lying on a bed, his vision still blurry.

"Ugh. Bad pie." He said, as he slowly got up.

"Dr. Chakwas, he's awake!" Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams spoke.

"Damn," The doctor pouted. "Not a bloody scratch on him. Oh well, good to see you're still alive, Commander. How do you feel?"

"Bad pie. Bad pie. Wait… what happened to the beacon?"

"It blew up," the female marine spoke up. "It's my fault. I have a tenacity of walking towards glowing objects."

"Don't worry," Shepard said. "If you hadn't done it, something else might have done it."

"I also detected some rapid eye movement in common with intense dreaming. Might I ask what it was?"

Shepard thought long and hard. "I was sparring in the main circle while the spring leaves were slowly falling down. I had just beaten my friend Jing Woo, and was about to leave when-"

"Uhh… Commander," Ashley spoke up. "Maybe you had a dream more relevant to the plot?"

"Oh, now that you mention it, I did see a vision of a lot of synthetics killing a lot of organics. It was really messed up. There was blood and carnage everywhere with agonizing screams filling my head. I even think one of the synthetics ate the organics.

"Hmm…" Dr. Chakwas said, while biting her knuckle. "Tell me more…"

Before Shepard could question this strange affixation, a smooth baritone voice entered the scene.

"Dr. Chakwas, how's our XO?" Captain Anderson asked.

"Sadly, he's fit and bloodless as usual."

"Well, if I could, I'd like to have a moment to speak with him."

"As you wish. As for me, I think I'll look at that battlefield footage again. I found several shots… stimulating."

As the doctor and Gunnery Chief left, the Captain turned to Shepard.

"Quick question: what's Ash doing here?" Shepard asked.

"Well, seeing how awkward it was to lose exactly one member of the party, I thought Chief Williams was perfectly suited for the job. She's using Jenkin's old locker." Shepard normally would've questioned such a hasty action, but he had more pressing concerns on his mind.

"What did you want to see me about, Captain?"

"Well, things look really bad for us. First of all, the Geth attacked the colony, then there was the matter of Nihlus getting killed and finally there's the fact that the beacon that was supposed to build relations with the Council got destroyed."

Shepard spoke up. "Now to be fair, I did disarm those bombs."

"I'm not blaming you, but our biggest concern is Saren. He's a Turian who hates humans."

"Why?" Shepard asked.

"I guess it's bad blood brought up by the First Contact War, or maybe he lost a relative to humans, or maybe he's just a jerk, I don't know. I do know that we need to discredit Saren. Your vision on Eden Prime, what was it?"

"Not sure. I think it was visions of a war long ago. Where the machines all won and destroyed the organics without mercy. It was pretty bad."

Captain Anderson raised an eyebrow. "As bad as **Disaster Movie**?"

"Oh Heaven's no! Not that bad; but still pretty bad."

"Hmm… I think it's best we present this to the Council."

The commander rubbed his neck, "With all due respect, Captain, but that's a really bad idea."

"We have to try. Unless we get Saren's Spectre status revoked, Humanity's a good a target as any."

"So you're basically saying, I have no choice in the matter."

"None whatsoever."

* * *

_A brief landing later…_

"This is an outrage!" An aging, sour faced politician cried out. "The Council would've acted if the Geth had attacked a Turian colony!"

There, a red hologram of the Council were shown on screen. Of course, due to the high resolution required to show them, thus resulting in some uncomfortalbe pop-up texture. "Well, good thing Turians are smart enough not to build colonies near the Termius systems."

"I demand justice!"

"You don't make demands!" The Turian Ambassador cried out.

The Asari representative spoke. "We will discuss Saren's actions at the trial, and not a moment sooner."

After the Hologram cut off, the Normandy ground team faced Ambassador Udina.

"Captain Anderson, I see you brought three people with you."

"Just the ground team from Eden Prime. This is Commander Shepard."

"How do you do?" Shepard immediately said.

"What do you think? A Human Colony was attacked, Nihlus ended up dead and the Beacon was destroyed!"

"That's Saren's fault, not his!" The Captain said, jumping to Shepard's defense.

"What about Jenkins dying?" Udina added.

"Well, okay. But everybody makes mistakes!"

"Hey!" Shepard said as he took offense.

"Anyway, we have little time as it is. Anderson, come with me. Shepard, come meet us in Citadel Tower when you're ready."

After that rather insulting encounter, Shepard, Ashley and Kaiden traveled out of the Embassaries. Passing by the tourist guide Avina and other ambassadors, they once again saw the giant Jalapeño, this time floating above a rather interesting control panel.

Kaiden examined it. "Looks like a Rapid Transit system. They can instantly take us anywhere just by selecting an option. We can zip to Citadel tower if we wanted to."

Shepard scoffed. "There's no harm in walking, Lt. Besides, what's the harm in one elevator ride up to the Tower?"

* * *

_An elevator ride later…_

"Oh god!" Shepard gasped as he got out of the elevator. "That was the longest time I've been in one of those!"

"Who would design such a slow-moving monstrosity!" Ashley cried out. After a brief respite, the crew walked forward, only to find two Turians arguing against each other.

A blue suited C-Sec officer began. "I need more time; stall the Council!"

"Stall the Council?" His superior spoke. "You're out of line, even more so than usual!"

"I'll show you who's out of line, if you don't let me gather more evidence!"

But the superior officer simply walked out of the way.

"Hmm… odd timing if I say so myself." Shepard quipped.

The Turian officer turned to the crew. "Commander Shepard? My name's Garrus Vakarian. I was assigned to investigate Saren's corruption."

"That's great," Kaiden replied. "What did you find?"

"Umm… I couldn't really find anything…"

"How long have you been investigation?" Shepard asked.

"Well, about a day to be honest. The court system is so fast, nowadays, evidence needs to be submitted first thing next day."

Shepard groaned. "I guess some things shouldn't be sped up."

"Anyway, good luck with trying to prove Saren guilty."

The crew quickly climbed several flights of stairs to find Captain Anderson.

"What took you so long? The trial's already started!"

Shepard shrugged. "We took the elevator."

The Captain was bewildered. "What? Why? The Rapid Transit system is much faster! Never mind, let's just go."

The four walked up to find the Asari Representative explain the situation. "While it is true that Saren was present during the attack on Eden Prime, it doesn't mean he had anything to do with the Geth."

The Ambassador responded quickly. "An eyewitness saw him shoot Nihlus in cold blood."

"Yes." The Salarian councilman responded. "Just because a dockworker saw someone with Saren's identical height and physical shape doesn't mean it was necessarily Saren."

Shepard spoke up. "Then how did he know about the Geth attack?"

A giant red hologram of Saren explained himself. "Nihlus's files passed onto me when he died. Nihlus was a dear friend of mine. He often told me stories of his daughter, Pallus."

"Aha!" The captain spoke. "If you really were his friend, you would've known he had a son, not a daughter!"

"Ah, Captain Anderson. Good to see you being incompetent as always. You see, Nihlus had both a son and a daughter. He just liked talking about one more than the other."

He turned to the Commander. "And this must be your protégé. Let me tell you this, your kind needs to learn its place. You're not ready to become a Spectre, you're not even ready to become a main character in an RPG!"

"He has no right to judge! He has no right to say that!" Ambassador Udina yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Shepard's main character status is not the purpose of this trial." The Asari Ambassador tried to delegate.

"This trial has no purpose! I am insulted by these accusations of a well-planned, thought out and thoroughly successful attack."

"There is one outstanding piece of evidence. Commander Shepard's vision."

"Are we allowing dreams into evidence now?"

"I agree. We need cold, hard facts instead of just testimonies."

"Enough!" The Asari representative spoke. "We will now discuss our findings."

After a turn of the head from the Turian Counselor, the Council was unanimous.

"The Council finds Saren innocent of all charges. Ambassador Udina, your petition to have him barred from the Spectres is denied."

Saren looked relieved or as close as a Turian could look relieved. "I am glad to hear that. I'd love to stay and chat, but I think I better… Umm… take my leave to do… something."

"Very well… Carry on."

After a rather depressing defeat, Ambassador Udina took it on himself to vocally scold the captain.

"Anderson, you're more trouble than you're worth! You got far too involved in that trial and it cost us!"

The captain shook his head, "I did what any rational person would've done in that situation. Tell them Shepard."

The commander rubbed his neck. "Umm… As much as it pains me to say it, I think you may have gone overboard with that dream explanation."

"I see. I better step down from these events."

The ambassador spoke up. "What we need is evidence against Saren. Otherwise, we'll be stuck here for the duration of the time."

"What about that Turian?" Kaiden asked. "He should just be right there…" the crew looked to their dismay only to find an empty space where the Turian officer was.

Udina turned to the crew. "I have a contact with C-Sec, Harkin. He might know where Garrus is."

"Forget it. They suspended Harkin for being a drunk. You should go see Barla Von. He has contact with the Shadow Broker."

"Shadow Broker?" Ashely asked. "Who's that?"

"He's an enigma, a symbol who hides from plain sight and gathers all sorts of information to blackmail people with. He's just like all those tabloids on the holovids, except worse."

"Well, we can either try to find our Turian friend or try to contact this Shadow… Man."

"Shadow Broker!" Captain Anderson said rather angrily. "He's the Shadow Broker."

"Is there really any difference what we call him?"

"Yes." The captain said, crossing his arms. "Yes, there is."

"Well, time to settle things the way we always decide tough decisions." Shepard said, reaching into his pocket. "Heads, we go see Harkin. Tails, we see the Shadow Broker."

* * *

_Chora's Den…_

The crew of three, using the rapid transit system, walked forth, only to find two gunman waiting for them. Luckily, with faulty AI and a diffculty setting to Casual, Shepard and his crew dispatched them without a sweat.

Inside, they managed to bump into two Krogan having a casual conversation.

"So, I hear there's a bit of good news from you." The Krogan in the red battle armor said.

"Yep. My old gal and I just had our 2nd child. And she's healthy too."

"Whoa! Look at the love machine here! Pretty soon, we'll have to worry about overpopulation!"

Shepard and his crew were unsure what to make of this scene.

"Ahem."

"Oh. Quick! The lines!" The Krogan Bouncer said, whiling pulling out a script and some reading glasses.

"Back off, Wrex. Fist is not coming out."

"What is he waiting… hang on." The Krogan turned the page. "For? I am right here. If Fist is smart, he will take this chance."

"I am warning you. He won't come out."

"It is Fist who should be afraid." Putting down the script, Wrex slowly shoved past the crew.

"Well, that… rather contrived scene will probably be important later on." Shepard said. For now, the crew met with Harkin.

"Well, well, well." The informant said with a snide. "If it isn't the big bad marine, waiting to get some intel."

Shepard got right to the point. "I heard you've got some evidence about Saren. What would this information cost?"

"Why in such a hurry? I mean, don't you know the history behind this whole mess?"

The Commander's curiosity peaked. "What are you talking about?"

"You mean you don't know? Captain Anderson was once nominated to become a Spectre. But he messed up bad, real bad."

"Tell me more." Shepard said, his eyes glued to Harkin.

Kaiden spoke up. "Umm… Commander, don't you think we should-"

"You can read it all in my tell-all book, _Mass Effect: Revelations."_

"Please," Williams barked. "Do you think he's that dense to buy a prequel novel when he's already playing the-"

"Oooh! A tie-in novel. How much?"

"Shepard!" The Gunnery Chief cried out.

"Oh right. I'll take the novel with any information you have on the Saren case."

"Deal. That'll be 8 credits."

After a questionable purchase, Harkin revealed his information. "Garrus should be hanging around Dr. Michel's office in the Med bay. Now I bid you, good day."

* * *

_Nearing the Med Bay…_

Kaiden cleared his throat, "Commander, not to criticize, but you've been reading that book for a long time now."

Ash chimed in as well. "And to add to that non-criticism, isn't it a bit late to be reading a prequel when you're already _playing the damn game?_"

Shepard wouldn't hear it. "You guys are just jealous because you didn't buy a copy. Now, be quiet. I want to see if anything happens with the Captain and this 'Kahlee Sanders'."

"Excuse me, you there with the book." A young feminine voice spoke up. "Hi there, I'm Emily Wong, and I think you might be able to help me with my problem."

"What makes you think that?" Shepard asked.

"You just seem to be a person with a lot of time on your hands." She said, pointing to the book. "I'm looking for corruption on the Citadel and I was hoping you could gather any intel you had on Fist."

"So, you're one of those investigative reporters who likes to bring breaking news."

"Uhh… no. I'm actually an investigator who wants to get the latest gossip on celebrities."

"Fist is a celebrity?" Shepard asked.

"Hey, when times are tough, you grab any dirt you can get. Since I'm small and unarmed, I was hoping you could gather any information while I just wait here."

"Wouldn't I just be doing your job for you while you take all the credit?" Shepard asked.

"Hey, it's a sidequest. Take it or leave it."

"Fine. But, I better get some credits for this."

The crew left with the journal updated to enter Dr. Michel's office. Unfortunately, they had just entered when several gunman were holding her at gunpoint.

"Now, give us all the biotic stimulants and red sand we want otherwise, things will get nasty." Said a terrorist.

"Pleath!" The doctor cried. "I don't hav zany vay to prethibe that zo you. All I cath do is precribth medicall marivana."

"Oh, a smart mouth, eh? Well, we'll see what we can do about that!"

Just then, a Turian officer leapt up in the air and faster than you can say '**John Woo's Stranglehold'**, time slowed down to a halt. Garrus fired off shots with his dual pistols. The first shot fired and missed.

The second shot fired but once again missed.

The third shot neared the gunholder's head… and hit the wall.

The forth shot barely nicked the gunholder, but it was enough to save the doctor. Then, Shepard's crew did the rest of the dirty work, as always.

"Perfect timing, Shepard. Your distraction was all I needed to use my shooting finesse."

Shepard looked at the three bullet holes on the wall. "Considering your aim, I doubt finesse is the right word. Dr. Michel, I presume."

"Yeth. Zat is voo I vam." The doctor said.

"What's wrong with your voice?" Shepard asked.

"Hey!" Garrus spoke up. "Dr. Michel may be a drunk, but I'll be damned if she isn't a better doctor than the rest of those sober idiots."

"I vam not za drunkkk. Thith is jutt the vay I tolk."

"What did she say?" Kaiden asked.

"She said that she'll help you with the Saren investigation."

The doctor sighed. "A Quarian kame zo thith office with information she vonted to trathe with the Shadow Brokerr. So I senth her to Fist."

"Problem is, Fist isn't working for the Shadow Broker. He's working for Saren. Chances are, she might be dead."

"I somehow doubt that; but let's keep that urgency in mind." Shepard responded. "Is there anything else you can tell us?"

Garrus spoke up, "Oh yeah. There was a rather cranky Krogan snooping around Fist. A Krogan named Wrex. He should be scaring the C-Sec officers about now."

Shepard blinked. "Wait, shouldn't that be the other way around?"

"Apparently, you haven't associated with Krogan in length."

"Alright." The Commander said. "Let's see if this Krogan won't help us."

"Shepard, I want to come with you. But I should warn you; I'm a loose cannon cop who doesn't play by the rules."

"**Garrus Vakarian is a Loose Cannon Cop who doesn't play by the rules in 'Loose Cannon Cop who doesn't play by the Rules!'"**

"What the hell was that?" Ashley shuddered.

"My introduction. Badass, isn't it?"

"Umm… No offense, but I'm not sure you want to come aboard my heavily doctored crew."

"If it's my home life you're worried about, don't worry. I already knew you'd come here, so I resigned my position at C-Sec and told Harkin to kiss my hard, jagged-"

"Hold on," Shepard asked. "You quit your job on the off chance that I would let you join my crew? Isn't that a bit narrow-sighted?"

"Hey, I'm a loose cannon cop who-"

Shepard interrupted. "Doesn't play by the rules, I get it! (Sigh) I guess I can't let be homeless now, can I? Welcome aboard."

"Let's kick ass and take names."

"And talk to a Krogan."

* * *

_In an elevator to C-Sec…_

Shepard continued to flip heavily through the book, trying to digest the novel as quickly as possible.

"Huh." Garrus commented. "Your captain seems to like that book a lot, doesn't he?"

Kaiden shrugged. "I'm guessing he didn't want to get left out of the loop."

At long last, the elevator halted as the crew stepped off to see several C-Sec Officers surrounding the Krogan. They were all shaking with their guns pointing at him.

"Umm… Mr. Krogan." The Citadel Security office quivered. "We've been getting reports that… you may have _threatened _Fist. Could you.. _perhaps,_ not do so?"

"Or what?" The Krogan grunted at the officer.

"We'll… uhh… give you a rather large fine?"

"Sure." The Krogan sneered. "And maybe it'll take out a quarter of all my savings. Then I'll be able to do whatever I please. Now, leave me alone."

"I'm warning you!" The officer said, with his body shaking. "If you don't stop this nonsense at once, I'll-"

"Boo!"

"Aagh!" The cop flinched, only to have the mercenary sneer.

"Big baby." The Krogan then saw Shepard and lurched towards him.

"I know you. You're the smartass who walked in on my scene early. I should kill you."

"Well, to be fair, that scene right now felt a lot more natural." Shepard said.

"Even so, I heard you're going after Fist. Back off, he's my bounty."

Shepard smiled. "Actually, I was wondering if you could join my crew. If we work together, Fist won't have a chance."

The Krogan crossed his arms for a moment. "Alright. But I'm warning you; I'm a cold-blooded warrior who loves to talk about his people and crack wise with a smartass comment every now and then."

"So you're basically just like Canderous Ordo, The Black Whirlwind and Oghren?" Shepard replied.

"Who the hell is Oghren?"

"Oh, right. 2007, my mistake. Alright then, let's go meet with Fist."

* * *

_Chlora's Den…_

After a brief gunfight, only one officer remained.

"Ah ha!" The bouncer on the roof said. "I'm up here and you can't hit me!"

"Wrex." Shepard turned to the Krogan. After a blue field covered his arm, a quick push tossed the Bouncer to the ground, cracking his neck.

"Why did he think that was a good idea in the first place?" Garrus asked.

"I dunno. I guess he figured that there wouldn't be biotics with us. C'mon. Fist is waiting for us."

However, little to their knowledge, there were two guards with guns pointed at the party.

"Don't move or we'll shoot!"

Thinking quickly, Shepard decided to use his CHARM dialogue.

"Hey, why are you guys still working here? I heard Flux is hiring."

"The one with the twins? I've always wanted to work there!" One guard said.

"You know what that means."

"**Double Date Night!**" They shouted while giving each other high fives. The quickly left the premises.

Wrex grunted. "Well… that was a waste of time."

"Couldn't we just have shot them?" Garrus asked.

"Well, you know. We let our shields replenish. Anyway, let's just meet with Fist."

Inside, the crime lord Fist scurried in pain and activated his turrets.

"Hah! I'd like to see you get past these state-of-the-art, Citidel security turrets, fully shielded while firing bullets at 100 km/sec-"

"Activating Sabotage," Garrus said.

"Activating Wha-" In a flash the turret exploded behind Fist as he was left on the ground, slightly charred.

There, the three soldiers stood over their quarry. "Why don't you tell us where the Quarian is?"

"Fine. I set her up in a meeting with the Shadow Broker, but he's really an assassin. That way we kill her and get her information. So in about 5 minutes you'll have to get to her. Can you please let me go? Pretty please?"

"Aren't you a crime lord who insists on terrorizing people?" Shepard pointed out.

"No! I'll change my ways! I'll go to Church. I'll even make friends with that Hanharr that's been bugging me all this time! Please!"

Shepard sighed. "Well, I guess if you're that desperate, I'll let you-"

Right from behind a shotgun blast ripped through Fist. Shepard and Garrus turned to Wrex, with the smoking barrel in hand.

"Wrex!" The Commander screamed.

"What?"

"I was going to let him live!"

"Weren't you going for Renegade Mastery?"

"Paragon, you ninny!" Shepard gritted through his teeth.

"Oh. Well, if you give me a heavy scolding, you'll probably get the points."

"Really? Umm… Don't do that again."

**Paragon +9**

"How does that even work?" Shepard asked.

"Don't question a good thing. Now let's find that Quarian before she bites it."

"Hang on," Shepard replied. "Just need to grab Fist's files and… let's go."

The crew quickly ran, only to be met with more of Fist's thugs firing at them. They quickly dispatched as many of them as feasible. Luckily, having a Krogan to act as a sufficient bullet shield- I mean, **tank**, the crew was able to mow down the rest of the thugs and quickly run to the Quarian's location, near the back alleys.

When they neared there, a particularly disturbing scene played out.

"Hmm... aren't you looking nice today?" A Turian agent said with a grin.

"Where's the Shadow Broker?' The young Quarian girl said.

"Don't worry," the Turian said, running his hand down her shoulder. "He'll be here. Why don't we get a little more _comfortable?_"

"Back off! I'm barely an adult, you pervert!"

"Hey, the younger they are, the more I like them." The Turian leaned closer. However, the Quarian pulled out her omni-tool and set off a tech mine wiping him out.

"In my culture, we believe in sex after marriage, bitch!"

Just as the other guards were about to attempt something even more perverted, Shepard, the Krogan and the renegade C-Sec officer came in with guns a-blazing.

"Fist set me up!" The Quarian female cried out. "With a pervert, no less. By the way, who are you?"

"**Garrus Vakarian is a loose cannon**-"

"Garrus, not now!" The Commander cried.

"Aww…"

"My name is Shepard, I'm with the Alliance. I'm told you have evidence I need to convict Saren."

"I owe you my life then. My name is Tali'zorah Nar Rayya. However, to avoid unintentional controversy of the Muslim people and other religious groups, you may call me Tali. Do you have someplace safe we can go?"

"Sure, let's head to the Ambassador's office. You should be safe there."

* * *

_Ambassador Udina's office… _

The ambassador was not pleased when Captain Shepard arrived. "You're not making my life any easier, Shepard. A firefight in the Wards, an all-out assault in Chora's den, do you have any idea-"

Udina seemed to pause seeing a Turian, a Krogan, and a Quarian all in the same room.

Captain Anderson chimed in. "You know, this reminds me of a really bad bar joke, but I won't tell it. Who is this?" He signaled towards the Quarian.

"My name is Tali. I was on my pilgrimage when I heard that the Geth may have had data I could've used."

"Pilgrimage?" Shepard asked.

"It's when your parents kick you out and tell you to bring back something valuable to the Migrant fleet. It could be scrap metal, data cashes or the occasional Tim Schaffer game."

"So what did you find?" Shepard asked.

"I happened to find this recording from a Geth's brain before it fried its memory core. Listen."

After a few taps on the Omni-tool, the party listened. "_The attack on Eden Prime was a success. We are one step closer to finding the Conduit._"

"That's definitely Saren's voice!" The captain cried. "We've got him now."

"I don't know." Shepard said. "We might need more evidence to convict-"

The recording continued. "_And to elaborate, it was all done by me, Saren Arterius, a Spectre, who attacked Eden Prime in the Utopia System in the Exodus cluster._"

"Huh," Shepard replied. "I guess that's pretty good. Still, we should try to find more evidence to-"

"_Now, I'm going to read off my social security number so no imposters can frame my voice. It's 5380-72_"

"Okay, I'm convinced. That should be more than enough." Shepard stated.

"_Saren!"_ A female voice called out. "_Don't forget our main goal is to bring back the Reapers._"

"Who's the other voice?" The captain asked.

"More importantly, what are the Reapers?" Shepard asked.

Tali spoke up. "The Reapers were an advanced race of sentient AI who decided all organics were worthless meatbags. Thus, they craved wanton slaughter and eventually made the Protheans extinct."

"Hmm…" The Ambassador chimed. "Sounds suspicious to me."

"Wait, my dream!" Shepard cried out. "I remember hearing the word 'meatbag' in there. I dreamt of the Reapers!"

"Oh perfect." Ambassador Udina groaned. "Just what we needed, more dreams."

"We have to try, even if the Council doesn't believe us about the Reapers, we can still convict Saren!"

Garrus stopped them, "Wait, what about Tali'zorah Nar Rayya?"

"I told you to call me 'Tali'. And I want to join your crew."

Shepard eyed her suspiciously. "What about your pilgrimage?"

"The Pilgrimage tells us to give of ourselves, to show that the Quarian people are to be a part of the galaxy. What does it say about myself if I turn from this? It is my duty to-"

Shepard cut her off. "You ran out of credits and need a place to stay, don't you?"

Tali rubbed the back of her head. "Just for a little while. I help you save the galaxy and you help me with a home and such."

"Take her with you, Shepard." Udina said. "She might come in handy."

"Wait," The Commander said. "You're the human ambassador. Why do you want a Quarian to join my crew?"

"I don't know." The Ambassador said. "I guess she just fits with your other companions. Come, Anderson. We must expose Saren!"

The rest of the crew was left whittling their thumbs. "Do you think he meant to leave us here?" Wrex asked.

Shepard shrugged, "I'm guessing he wanted us to see the world and surrounding as well as check on certain side quests. Speaking of which, I think I have something here for a Ms. Emily Wong."

* * *

_The Wards…_

"Ms. Wong?" Shepard asked. "I have that OSD you wanted. All of Fist's files are in here."

"Really?" The reporter said. "Lemme see those. (Gasp). This is it! The scoop of the centaury!"

Shepard smiled, "How a motley crew of Alliance soldiers and other species worked together to bring down the biggest crime lord on the Citadel?"

Emily Wong looked up. "Huh? Oh, that. I guess that's okay. But get this! Fist might have, possibly, if you squint closely, could've had a gay lover! This will be big, no humongous! Oh, the editors will love this!"

Shepard glanced at both of his allies. "Could you mention us in there?"

"Why? Wait, don't tell me _you _were Fist's lover!"

Shepard stopped her. "You know what? Never mind."

* * *

_Back at Citadel Tower…_

"Come on," Captain Anderson barked at Shepard. "They're presenting evidence against Saren now."

"_The attack on Eden Prime was a success. We are one step closer to finding the Conduit._"

"That could be anybody's voice!" The Turian counselor said. "Saren's a very common name! How do we know it's our-"

The recording continued. "_And to elaborate, it was all done by me, Saren Arterius, a Spectre, who attacked Eden Prime in the Utopia System in the Exodus cluster._"

"Well… It could just be a forgery! Maybe you're making up evidence to-"

"_Now, I'm going to read off my social security number so no imposters can frame my voice. It's 5380-72-_"

"Let me guess," Ambassador Udina said smugly. "You want to hear the last four digits."

After what had to be the longest sigh in history, the Turian Ambassador spoke once again. "Perfect. The only Spectre I like and he has to attack a human colony. I knew it was too good to be true. Fine, we'll disbar his Spectre status immediately."

"Unfortunately," The Asari counselor spoke. "He's already left the station."

"_Saren!"_ A female voice called out. "_Don't forget our main goal is to bring back the Reapers._"

"I know that voice," The Asari Councilor spoke. "Matriarch Benezia. She owes me 10 credits."

"What can you tell me about her?" Shepard asked.

"Matriachs are powerful Asari near the end of their lives and at the height of their physical beauties. Imagine Jenifer Coolidge only 2x more powerful."

"What are the Reapers?" The Salarian councilor asked.

"The Reapers were a group of sentient beings who wiped out the Protheans 50,000 years ago." Captain Anderson said.

Shepard commented to. "They believed all organics were meatbags so they killed the Protheans. The Geth revered the Reapers as gods and they think Saren's the prophet."

"I don't believe it." The Turian ambassador said. "Why would Saren bring back something that could kill us all?"

"Oh, come on!" Shepard exclaimed. "We have more than enough evidence to convict Saren of treason and moreso. Do you really need evidence that the Reapers exist? Just what are you going to do about Saren anyway?"

"We've locked all of Saren's privileges and now we're making sure that Saren won't get far."

"That's not good enough!" The Ambassador spoke. "You know he's somewhere in the Traverse! Send your fleets in!"

"A fleet cannot capture one man." The Salarian Councilor said.

"A fleet could keep the Geth in line, make sure none our colonies are attacked." Udina defeneded.

"A fleet could start an intergalactic war." The Turian Councilor said. "And while that does sound interesting, this isn't Star Wars! We're diplomats, dammit, and it's going to stay that way!"

"You know," Shepard muttered quite loudly. "I just happen to have access to the Alliance's _only_ stealth starship with a well-trained crew, a crack pilot and the ability not to be seen. Just, wanted to let you know."

"Shepard's right! I'm sick of this Council and it's anti-Human bull…"

Just when the ambassador was about to say a expletive, he seemed to pause in mid-sentence.

"Ambassador Udina, are you okay?" Shepard asked.

"Oh, sorry!" The Asari Councilor said. "I dozed off for a moment there. 'Ambassador'. Perhaps there is another way."

"No!" The Turian representative said. "It's too soon! It's barely over 2 hours. He's not ready for this."

"Just do it already!" Shepard cried out.

The Council turned to each other and nodded. After selecting their answers on their digital keyboards, the Asari councilor spoke up.

"Commander Shepard, step forward."

Captain Anderson gave him a nod. Shepard stepped forward, as all the freeloaders and secretaries stepped out of their offices and watched from the balconies.

"It is the decision of the Council that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance Branch of the Citadel."

The Salarian Councilor spoke up first. "Spectres are not trained but chosen (even though there is an upgrade called Spectre training). Individuals forged in the fires of wars who have managed not to get shot to death."

The Asari Councilor continued. "Spectres are an ideal, a symbol, the emobiment of self-reliance. They are the right hand of the Council, instruments of our will. While spies and espionage are the Left hand of the Council. As for the head, well-"

"Ahem" Shepard coughed.

"Sorry."

The Turian Councilor finished last. "Spectres must know that with great power comes great responsibility. They are the first and last line of defense. The safety of the galaxy is their responsibility now."

"You are the first Human Spectre, Commander. This is a great accomplishment for your species. Do you have anything you'd like to add?"

Shepard leapt up. "I'm going to Disney World! Ow!" He looked back to see the backside of Udina's right hand behind him.

"After I save the galaxy from certain destruction."

"We've uploaded the files on your OSD. Good hunting, Commander Shepard."

The Asari councilor spoke last. "This meeting of the Council is adjourned."

After the rather large crowd and the Council had left, Shepard shook hands with Captain Anderson. "Congratulations, Spectre."

"We're going to have work on the details." Udina spoke to himself. "You're going to need a ship, a crew-"

"You'll have access to supplies and training no one else has. You should visit the store at C-Sec, though you won't be able to buy anything with your low level and funds."

"Come with me, Anderson. We've got a lot of work to do!" Udina and Anderson left the seen, leaving only Shepard, Wrex and Garrus to stand by.

"Hmm… Bastard didn't even thank you," Wrex commented.

"Somehow, I wouldn't want his thanks even if he offered it. C'mon. Let's get off this station."

* * *

_C-Sec Academy_…

Shepard gave a huge sigh. "I don't know if I can do this."

"C'mon, Shepard." Garrus prodded him. "It's only one elevator. You can do this."

"I just don't see why they can't rapidly transport us like we did all those other times."

Wrex shrugged. "They must've run out of room in the conversation wheel. Let's just get this over with."

So with deep breaths, Shepard and crew stepped onto the only elevator leading up to the docks and waited.

An announcer's voice didn't make things easier. "_Coming up, Emily Wong investigates Fist. Night Club Owner, Crime Lord, Lover? Files indicate that Fist wasn't only interested in Asari alone. Tune in for an interview with the crew of Commander Shepard, who claims that he wasn't involved with Fist. Or… was he?_"

"Dammit all!" Shepard cried out.

When the crew finally escaped the confines of the elevator, they met Captain Anderson and Ambassador Udina at the docks.

"Shepard, good news. Captain Anderson has decided to step down from the Normandy."

Captain Anderson nodded. "She's fast and she's quiet, you know the crew and it operates just fine."

Shepard was in shock. "Wait, you can't be retired; you're Keith David, the greatest voice ever! (Save Morgan Freeman)."

"No, the Ambassador's right. I'm too involved in this. So you'll have to go without my dulcet tones for a while."

Shepard nodded. "Okay, we'll catch that bastard and bring him to justice."

"Don't go looking after Saren, he's long gone. Instead, find the Conduit."

Udina chirped in. "We've got several leads already. There have been reports of Geth incursions on Feros and Noveria. You can check there and find out what's going on."

Captain Anderson chipped in. "There's also reports of Matriarch Benezia's daughter, Liara T'soni, somewhere in the Artemis Tau cluster."

"Well, we'll see where our path takes us." Shepard said.

"One more thing, Shepard. Your actions reflect on Humanity. Try not to cause too much trouble for us."

"Before I go, Captain. Harkin gave me this book about when you were nominated for the Spectres. What happened?"

"Oh. Well, I worked with Saren and saved Kahlee Sanders. But Saren blew the refinery and killed everyone else there. So naturally, I got blamed."

"What?" Shepard asked. "That makes no sense. He blew the refinery. Why did you get blamed?"

"Because I apparently blew his cover."

"So… did you at least hook up with Kahlee Sanders?" Shepard nudged.

"Nope."

"What? Really?"

"Really, really."

Shepard stood in silence for a moment.

"Then why did I waste 8 credits on this thing?" Shepard took _Mass Effect: Revelations_ and drop kicked it to the deep abyss below.

"Well, I do have one parting gift for you. Here, take it." The Captain handed Shepard a book.

"It-it can't be! I've always wanted this. **The Prima Official game guide.**"

"It's all yours. Use it wisely."

Shepard sobbed up a little. "I won't forget this, Keith David. I won't."

"I know. Good Hunting"

The crew stepped onto the docking bay, where they were immediately met with a female voice.

"Decontamination in progress. Decontamination in progress."

* * *

_Inside the ship…_

Joker saw Shepard from behind, "Heard about Captain Anderson. Talk about bad luck. Does over a dozen great roles and he's seated by backroom politics."

"I just hope I'm doing him proud." Shepard said.

"Com's all yours, Commander."

Shepard paused. "Wait, I don't have a speech prepared."

"Don't worry. Just select on the conversation wheel and the rest is done for you."

"Alright then."

Shepard selected 'I need to level with them.'

"This is Commander Shepard, we have our orders. Find Saren before he finds the Conduit. I won't lie to you crew, this mission isn't going to be easy. But epic adventures rarely are."

Shepard then selected, 'Humanity must do its part'.

"For too long our species has stood too far apart from other species in the galaxy. Now it's time to do our part and show them what Humanity's capable of."

Shepard smiled and selected, 'Saren will be waiting for us.'

"Our enemy knows we're coming. Saren's followers will be waiting for us, but we'll be ready for them, too."

"_Hmm… I wish I had this and won an award._"

Shepard selected, 'I realize everyone is counting on us.'

"Humanity needs to do this, not just our own individual gain, but for every other species in Citadel space. Saren needs to be stopped and I promise you all that he will be stopped."

"Great speech, Commander. Captain would be proud."

Shepard nodded. "Keith David gave up a leading role for me to be here. I can't let him down. Let's go, Joker!"

"Aye, aye, Captain."

So begins Captain Shepard's journey to find the Conduit. What amazing adventures and side quests will he encounter along the way? Find out next time on** Mass Effect: The things that need to be Parodied.**


	3. Therum

**Mass Effect: The things that need to be Parodied: Therum**

_On the SSV Normandy…_

"Hey, now I'm curious," Shepard pondered. "What does the 'V' on 'SSV' stand for?"

"Uhh, Commander?" Joker said through the intercom. "We're nearing the planet of Therum. You know, the place where Benezia's daughter is?"

"Oh, sorry." Shepard said. "I got distracted. Alright, take us down for a landing."

"Right, I'm going to drop you in the Mako." Joker confirmed.

"Mako? What the hell is a 'Mako'?"

"You know, sometimes it pays to actually read the Codex."

* * *

_On Therum's surface…_

Commander Shepard, along with Urdnot Wrex and Kaiden Alenko, dropped to the planet's surface below, in what had to be the largest, heaviest and down-right ungodly machination that was the Mako driving utility.

Shepard whistled. "Wow, 5 feet of extra leg space, 16 gears, an extra, extra large cup-holder and consumes gas faster than an Alliance Star Cruiser. No wonder they're releasing this vehicle for the general population."

Kaiden nodded. "Alright, now let's go!"

Shepard did what any normal person who's ever driven a car before did and rammed the right foot pedal. Unfortunately, that set off the chain machine gun.

"Wait…" Shepard, then tried to use a special button to forward the vehicle. However, all this succeeded to do was make the Mako jump several feet in the air.

"Huh, I didn't know this thing came equipped with hydraulics." Shepard continued to fiddle around with the controls, activating such systems as the portable DVD player, the massage chairs, the surround sound system and the built-in microwave (to enjoy Hot Pockets).

Finally consulting the **Prima Official Strategy guide, **Shepard finally figured out in order to move the vehicle, he had to adjust the wheel forward, like how one would fly a starship.

The Vehicle chugged along at a slow pace, grinding whatever dirt was in their path.

"You know, at first I was skeptical, but this isn't so bad!" Shepard replied.

"Commander!" Kaiden cried out. "You're headed into that Lava pit! Turn the other direction!"

Shepard tried to do this, but the Mako's driving controls wouldn't respond. Suddenly, Shepard pushed the hydraulics button in order to save themselves, but unfortunately landed in the hot lava as a result of the poor physics.

"Aaagh!" The crew cried out, as the screen slowly faded out.

**Critical Mission Failure**

Luckily the game had enough common sense to have an auto-save to revive Shepard in case he possessed the driving skills of Elder Hanharr.

"Okay, let's try this again, but slowly."

So, once again, Shepard drove the monstrous tank towards the location indicated on the map. However, it wasn't long before they met with their first combat scenario. A large Geth vessel dropped several Geth Armatures as they began firing at the Mako.

"Quick, jump now!" Kaiden yelled.

"Wait, now or now- oof!" More and more the hull was getting penetrated, the Geth missiles and rockets were too much for them to handle! The main engine exploded.

"Aaagh!" Cried the crew, saving their last moments of life.

**Critical Mission Failure**

Re-spawning once again, Shepard took things nice and slow. He carefully drove through the trenches, past the lava pits and carefully timed the jumps to defeat the Geth Armatures. However, as they met with another party, the Lieutenant made a terrible mistake.

"Quick, I'll use the Omni-gel to fix the hull!"

"Alenko, no!" Shepard cried out. As Kaiden slowly fixed the hull, Geth continued firing at the shuttle, weakening its shields before…

"Oh, this is a load of crap." Shepard pouted as everything faded to black.

**Critical Mission Failure**

"Dammit, this is ridiculous, I should be at least at the halfway mark by now!" Shepard grumbled to himself.

Alas, Shepard's crew went through the arduous task of driving slowly and carefully, timing the jumps perfectly, using omni-gel only when there was no enemy in sight.

After 45 minutes of navigation with the Mako, the crew found themselves at a very narrow runway, able to fit three soldiers. And so they went through the passage.

"Huh," Shepard muttered to the side. "Never thought I'd be glad to be walking somewhere."

"And your species wonders why we don't drive so much…" Wrex grumbled.

After mowing down several enemies, thanks to the casual difficulty setting and the fact that a large angry Krogan was on Shepard's side, the crew continued towards the mines. However, they were met with a rather unsightly roadblock when a Geth ship dropped several Geth troops including and Armature.

"Okay, as long as we take cover and avoid the Armature's main gun, we should be safe."

Just then, a groan could be heard coming from Alenko's position. Both Wrex and Shepard stared at Kaiden's unconscious body.

"Me and my big mouth… Wrex! Run for cover!"

The large Krogan did so as they returned fire. Using the skills he had obtained from Gears of War, Shepard realized his folly.

"Of course! I cast **Unity**!" With the aid of his Spectre Training, Kaiden came back to life, shooting as much as he could from his pistol.

"Great! Now all I have to do is use medi-gel and-"

Kaiden then fell unconscious on account that he did not take cover.

"Oh for- Well, at least I got you, don't I, Wrex? Wrex?"

Shepard turned to see the mighty Krogan unconscious.

"Do I have to do everything myself around here!" Shepard grumbled as he fired shots at the Armature, dodged its energy attack, attacked, dodged, ad nausem.

Finally, Shepard won and made sure he saved his game before entering into the tunnels. The Normandy crew then proceeded to run through the tunnels, plowing through the normal Geth and noticing the Prothean artifacts on the way down.

"Hey, reminds me of tiles on the bathroom." Kaiden commented to himself.

Wrex scoffed, "Tschh… on my world, dirt was the only floor for our bathrooms. Hell, some of us use dirt **as** the bathroom."

After that rather uncomfortable moment, the crew proceeded to use another elevator. However, before they could get halfway, the elevator broke down and screeched to a halt. Shepard looked around.

"Huh. Am I the only one who's glad the elevator broke?"

"**No.**" Wrex and Kaiden said at the same time.

Finally, trapped within her little bubble, an Asari scientist was bemusing to herself.

"Would you like more tea, Mrs. Nesbit? Why, I think your skin looks lovely Dah'zarr!" she said in a half delusional state.

"Something tells me we should've got here sooner. Dr. T'soni? I'm Commander Shepard, what's going on?"

Liara turned to the crew. "Hmm… I was hoping you'd be taller and bore a closer resemblance to Michael Buble, but I suppose you'll do. Imagination, strip down slowly and sensually so I may look upon your rock hard abs."

Wrex couldn't help but snicker a bit.

Shepard tried more reasoning, "No, I'm not a figment of your imagination. I'm a marine for the Alliance who needs your help."

"Silence, Imagination! If I tell you to strip, then you shall do so!"

The Commander sighed and sucked in his breath, "But you're so far away. How can I ever make sweet love to you when there's a wall between us?"

"Hmm…" The Asari smiled seductively. "You do make a good point. Imagination, find a way out of here so you may take me! There might be a mining laser under here. Hurry, for I long for your loins."

Shepard turned and faced his crew. "You tell anyone about this, and I will kill you."

The crew found even more Geth waiting for them and made short work of them. Once the area had been clear of Geth, Shepard happened upon a mining laser.

"Hmm… This looks like a job for **The**** Prima**** Official Strategy Guide!**"

Wrex whispered to the Lieutenant, "Couldn't he just go on the holonet and look up the files?"

Kaiden shrugged, "I guess he doesn't want to leave the game…"

"I got it! The code is, A, X, B, Y!" After a quick press of the buttons, the mining laser drilled a hole through.

The crew then proceeded to take an elevator up to find Liara T'soni, trapped in a bubble.

Dr. T'soni smiled seductively. "Oh, it's you. My, my, you are much more rugged looking in person- Oh my goodness! You're real!"

"Great," Shepard muttered to himself. "The one moment I wanted her to think I was an imagination. I need your help against Saren."

After a quick press of the button, Liara was released from her prison.

"Why would Saren be after me, though?"

Kaiden responded. "It's possible that it may be related to the Conduit. Do you know what it is?"

"Not really, no. Umm… Commander. I realize my previous comments may have been… inappropriate. Please accept my apologies."

Shepard shook his head, "Don't worry about it; I didn't really mean anything I said, either."

"Oh." Liara frowned. "So you don't find me attractive?"

"No. No! I mean, I think you're very attractive, it's just that- well- it's very complicated…"

Suddenly the ground rumbled beneath their feet.

"What the hell was that?" Wrex commented.

"Oh no!" Liara said. "You may have triggered a volcanic eruption from that mining laser. If we don't hurry, this will be a bigger catastrophe than **Revenge of the Sith**."

"Do you mean bad as in surrounded by lava or bad as in **Star Wars: Attack of the Clones**?"

"Both."

"Oh, good grief. Joker! Pick us up, ASAP!"

"Aye, Aye, Captain." Joker said through the com. "E.T.A. 8 minutes."

Wrex roared. "If we die down here, I'll kill him."

As they took the elevator up, Shepard turned to the Krogan.

"Wrex, how would that even be possible?"

"Hey, don't question the ways of the Krogan."

Finally, the crew was lifted up, only to be met with a Krogan mercenary with several Geth following him.

Shepard quickly nudged Wrex on the shoulder, "Quick, Wrex. Say something."

Unfortunately, the Krogan did not take this response well. "Oh? You assume just because I'm a Krogan I know every other Krogan in the galaxy? What if I assumed that you somehow knew the Ambassador of the Citadel? Would that make you feel okay?"

"But I know the Ambassador-"

Wrex roared loudly- "It was a hypothetical! Don't just assume other people know each other just because they're of the same specie-"

"Wrex?" The Krogan bounty hunter commented.

"Da'varkk?" Wrex said.

"Hey, how have you been?" The Krogan bounty hunter said.

"You know me, hanging around Chora's Den, Shadow Broker paying me some credits it's been good."

"Good to hear. Listen, I don't want to be a blank in a shotgun, but Saren's paying me good credits for the Doctor. Do you mind?"

"No can do. Saren's rotten anyways."

"Looks like we can't settle this with words; attack!" The Krogan and his Geth began firing as Shepard and Wrex took cover.

"You call 'that' talking out your differences?" Shepard shouted under a hail of gunfire.

"Hey, one way or another, this relationship would've ended with us shooting at each other."

As Shepard and the crew finally managed to defeat the Geth and evade the raging Krogan's melee attacks, the crew ran for cover as the ruins continued to fall all around them.

At long last the crew made it out alive and breathed a heavy sigh of relief as Joker picked them up.

* * *

_The meeting room…_

Unfortunately, this gave Joker the one thing he already had: bragging rights.

Through the intercom, he wailed. "Oooh Yeah! Who's the man! Who's the man with the plan who can pilot a spaceship like no one else can! Uh-huh! What, what!"

Shepard simply stared up at the intercom. "Uhh… Joker?"

"No thanks are needed, Captain! Just the fact that your safe thanks to my **badass** piloting skills makes it all up."

"Joker…"

"Uh-huh, doing the Cabbage Patch. What, what?"

"Joker, if you stop now, I'm going to show that movie you were in."

Then, com chatter was dead for a while.

"Aye, aye, Commander…"

The ground team felt relieved to hear this.

Ashley spoke up first, "What was so bad that Joker didn't want to hear us talk about it?"

"You don't want to know…" Shepard shook his head. "Anyway, Dr. T'soni, Saren was after you because you had knowledge of the Conduit, right?"

The Asari shook her head. "No, I do however know a great deal about the Protheans. They were a the pinnacle of their existence before they were suddenly wiped out. According to my studies, the Protheans were not the first to discover the Citadel. In fact, it could be said that there others, even further back who discovered the Citadel and lived off it."

Shepard nodded. "The Reapers wiped them out."

"Reapers? The Sentient machines who think all organics are meatbags and want to destroy the galaxy? Interesting…"

"I found a Prothean Beacon on Eden Prime and it gave me nightmares. You can help me translate them, right?"

Liara gulped, "Uhh… no. Prothean knowledge would've been scrambled. You would need some sort of… translator in order to get it working."

"Then, as Benezia's daughter, you know what's going on."

Dr. T'soni crossed her arms. "I am not on speaking terms with my mother. I could care less about what she did!"

Shepard sighed. "Then, what **can** you do?"

"Simple. As an Asari, I have a wide variety of Biotics I can use. In addition to that, I possess the most broken power in the game: Singularity."

"Singularity?"

"I open up a black hole and everyone withn 10 feet gets caught in its vortex, leaving them helpless to gunfire."

Shepard raised an eyebrow, "Do our enemies have access to this?"

"None whatsoever."

"Welcome aboard!"

As the crew left for their respective quarters, Joker spoke up. "Commander, we're nearing a com relay. Want me to patch you through to the Council?"

Shepard nodded. "Alright."

"You stupid idiot!" The Turian Ambassador screamed immediately, once the pop-up graphics settled.

"Wow, nice to see you, too." Shepard shrugged sheepishly.

"Don't you give us that courtesy nonsense! We're here to chew you out, and blame you for your faults."

The Asari Councilor spoke up, "That's just him. I'm here to pat you on the back, even though you made a mistake."

Finally, the Salarian Councilor spoke up, "And I'm here to give you unnecessary advice."

"Is this going to happen everytime I contact you?" Shepard asked.

"**Yes.**" The Council spoke in unison.

"Very well, get on with it."

The Asari Representative spoke first. "It is good that Dr. T'soni was kept alive."

"But, she could be working as a double agent for Saren! How can you be so sure that she won't betray you?" The Turian Councilor spoke.

"Considering the fact that she was half-delusional when I found her and that Saren's men were trying to kill her, I think it's safe to say she's on our side."

Finally the Salarian Councilor spoke. "Very well, Commander. We're just here to make sure all your options are available to you. Ending Transmission."

Shepard shook his head, "What the hell is this? American Idol?"

* * *

_A few moments ago, in the main deck…_

Ashley Williams confronted the Asari doctor and looked at her straight in the eye.

"Okay look, professor. I don't know how they handle relationships in your world, but we have a saying on Earth. 'First come, First serve."

Liara shrugged. "We also have a saying on my planet. 'those with maternal insticts succeed where paternal instincts fail.'"

"What?" The Gunnery Chief said, losing her temper.

"I said, in layman's terms of course, "Bring it on, Bitch'"

All someone had to do was yell, "Catfight!" and the rivalry was on. Immediately, the two began to tackle and wrestle with one another, until the doors opened. Then they quickly resumed to their normal NPC positions.

Shepard thought it odd to find everyone so calm.

"Is something going on here?"

Quickly, Normandy's crew leapt straight to denial. "No. Nope. Nothing. Is something going on? I didn't notice."

Shepard nodded and walked away. "You know, now that I have some time to myself, I should get to know my crew."

After a quick trip down to the mess, Shepard first met with Kaiden Alenko.

"Hey, Lt. How's it going?"

The Lieutenant faced Shepard. "Not great, I seem to be constantly sweating. Maybe an air conditioner would help."

Shepard thought for a moment, "Are you sure it's not your migraines acting up, on account of your still using the L2 implants?"

Kaiden stood silent for a while. "No, I'm pretty sure it's the heat. Anyway, what are you here to talk about?"

Shepard shrugged, "You know me, I'm just looking for some backstory. Tell me about yourself."

Kaiden shrugged, "Well, I guess I could tell about my time in Whispering Rock Psychic summer camp. I remember breaking into the facility, but I was quickly accepted. There, I made friends such as Dogen, enemies such as Bobby Zilch and-"

Shepard stopped the Lieutenant midway. "Umm… Kaiden, I think you're talking about a different game."

"Oh, sorry. I sometimes mix my bland childhood with something interesting. Well, after the intial exposures to e-zero, it was determined I was a biotic and then I was taken from home. That's all I'm going to tell you."

"That… was more background information than actual backstory, Lt."

Kaiden shrugged, "Hey, come ask me another time."

Shepard shrugged. He then went into the medbay, and found Dr. T'soni. She quickly patted herself down and confronted Shepard.

"Why hello, Commander. So good to see you."

"Hey, Liara. I was wondering if you could tell me about yourself."

The Asari jumped for joy. "Why, yes! I like long walks on the beach, I'm incredibly sensitive, but not afraid to take risks. My favorite food is-"

Shepard stopped her. "Uhh… no. I meant, what did you do before you joined with my crew?"

"Oh. Well, I did do a lot of research on the Protheans. They were a very interesting race, and you happen to be a very interesting person."

"Because I was touched by the beacon?"

Liara leaned in, "That too."

Shepard backed away a little. "Okay, maybe we should slow things down a bit."

"I'm sorry. However, do feel free to talk to me later on, so we can engage in more… stimulating conversation."

"Right…" Shepard asked, leaving Liara's office. He then met with Doctor Chakwas.

"Hey, Doc. Tell me about yourself."

The doctor of English descent shrugged, "I lived a rather boring life. Pampered and rich, I could always afford the highest pleasures in life. However, I quickly grew bored of it and decided to pursue other interests. I didn't find medicine the most stimulating, but it got the job done. However, one day as an intern, a bloody soldier came and fell on my feet. I operated on him, with no anesthetic. His screams filled the room, blood was everywhere and the smell, oh the smell drove me wild. Never before had I been so driven, so passionate, so… aroused."

Shepard took several steps back from the Doctor from this point.

Doctor Chakwas in a sweat, panted heavily. "I need some time to myself…"

Shepard took the hint and left for the lower garage.

* * *

_20 minutes later…_

Waking up from his elongated stupor, Shepard finally made it to the garage. He decided first to talk to Urdnot Wrex, his Krogan companion.

"Hey, Wrex."

"What do you want?" The Krogan asked begrudgingly.

"Nothing; I just wanted to have friendly conversation."

Wrex did not take this gesture kindly, "Oh, I get it. You just want to poke and prod around to know about the Krogan. Well what do you want to know? That the Salarians neutered us? That the genophage killed our entire species? That because of the side effects, I can't even so much as sneeze otherwise I lose the mood? Huh?"

"I wasn't aware that impotency was a side effect of-"

"Well, it is!" The Krogan said.

"Sorry, I meant no offense."

"I don't blame your ignorance, Shepard. As for the Krogan, I gave up on them a long time ago."

Shepard nodded, unsure what to say, "I'm sure you had a very good reason."

"Ehh… could've been better. I'll talk to you later, **if** I feel like it."

Shepard shook his head, thankful he didn't lose any bodyparts talking to the Krogan. He then decided to visit Garrus, checking up on the Mako.

"Hey there, Garrus. Mind telling me about yourself?"

Garrus turned to the Commander, "Oh, origin story, huh? Well, I'll tell you this; my father was a C-Sec man to the bone. Always followed the rules and regulations and it led him nowhere! Just a nice life in the Citadel and a retirement plan. Well, that's not the way I want to go! No, I want action, adventure; I want to go places and crack some skulls! Life's too short to play by the rules, man!"

Shepard stood silent for a bit, "You know, Garrus. Maybe your father wanted to play by the rules. Did you ever consider how easy you had it compared to other kids?"

"Hmm… you might have a point there. Still, it's going to take a lot more talks than that to change my lifestyle choice!"

"Suit yourself."

Shepard then visited the engine core. Other than seeing the gigantic glowing core above them, he found the Quarian, somewhat sulking in the corner.

"Oh. Hey, Shepard."

"Something wrong, Tali?" Shepard asked.

"I don't know." The Quarian shrugged. "Your crew has been really nice to me, your Engine Core is so amazing, but somehow I feel weird. Back home, I couldn't wait to go on my pilgrimage. But now that I'm on it, I realize how real life sucks. Kinda makes me miss the Migrant fleet."

Shepard shrugged, "Maybe that's the whole point of the pilgrimage."

"You mean, it's better to mooch off your parents and friends rather than make it out in the world?"

"Uhh… that's not exactly what I-"

Tali jumped right back up, "Wow! I totally get it now! Thanks, Shepard! I'm going to finish my pilgrimage as quickly as I can so I can go back home!"

Shepard, not one for being a wet blanket, decided to leave Tali to her own devices. He then bumped into Adams, working hard on the Core.

"Hey, Adams. What can you tell me about the Core?"

Adams looked up, "From what I heard, it's a knock-off of Armageddon."

"No- I meant, **our** core."

"Oh! Well, essentially it's the best of our kind and we use our metallic plating to absorb the heat, making sure no one sees us."

Shepard nodded, "So we're invisible?"

"Not unless they look out a window."

Shepard thought to himself for a bit. "Then doesn't that defeat the purpose of having stealth systems?"

"Hey, I didn't design the thing. The Turians did."

Shepard shook his head. He then met with the requisitions officer, standing by the door.

"Supplies, Commander?"

Easy to say, the Commanding officer didn't take this lightly. "Wait, you're **charging me** for supplies?"

"Hey, I'm the in-ship store. You don't want to walk all the time for armor, do you?"

Shepard sighed, "Fine. How much for the shotguns?"

"Well, I only have the first level shotguns. If you want more, you're going to have to buy licenses from other stores."

The Commander stood back, "Hold on. Not only do you say I have to pay you for supplies, but I would also have to buy licenses to get better guns, when I could be saving credits to buy the guns in the first place. How does this make any sense?"

"Alliance protocol." The Requistions officer defended.

Shepard sighed, "There is something seriously wrong here."

The Commander finally met with the Gunnery Chief, who oddly enough, was doing pull-ups, showing off her washboard abs.

"Oh, hey there, Williams."

"Oh, hey Commander." The Gunnery Chief said casually. "I was just about to do some crunches. Mind holding my legs?"

Shepard breathed heavily, "Uhh… maybe later. I-wanted to know more about you."

"Oh sure. I come from a military family, you know the type: lots of sisters, hard-working dad, colony born, you know the type."

"Hmm… good to hear. Tell me about your father."

"Well, Dad passed on a few years back, so I visit his grave every year.

_I cannot rest from travel: I will drink  
Life to the lees: All times I have enjoy'd  
Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those  
That loved me, and alone,_

_For always roaming with a hungry heart  
Much have I seen and known; cities of men  
And manners, climates, councils, governments,"_

Shepard seemed a bit taken back, "I didn't know you liked poetry?"

Ashley smiled, "Oh? Did I forget to mention that? I can be sensitive when I want to- that is of course unless I get into a firefight. Then I can get messy when I need to."

"You're very interesting, Ash."

"Yeah, well, The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh."

"Oh." Shepard said.

Williams gulped a bit. "Oh, that doesn't weird you out, does it? That I'm sort of religious?"

"No…" Shepard said.

"Whew, that's a relief. I was also worried that you didn't share my general disapproval of other species."

"Umm… okay, that may require a bit of explanation."

Ash sighed, "Okay, I'm a bit afraid, that you know, the aliens poking around the main systems could be a breach of security."

"We kinda need their help, Ash."

"I'm just saying, it's not really racism. People will always turn to their own species when they're backs are on the line. If you're being attacked by a bear, and the only way to save yourself is to sick your dog on them, then you'll do it. As much as you love your dog, it isn't human."

Shepard took two steps back, "Ash, that's really messed up. I guess I could see your- no, that's still really messed up."

"If you want me to cooperate, then I will."

Shepard nodded. "Do so. Talk to you later."

As Shepard left the garage, he let out a heavy sigh. After finally making it up to the Command bridge, he had a quick chat with Joker.

"You know, sometimes I think it's best to keep these things on a professional level."

Joker nodded, "Agreed. Hey Commander, you want to know about my Vrolik syndrome?"

Shepard couldn't help but scream as he left the bridge.

**A/N:** What exciting adventures await Commander Shepard? Will Garrus ever change his ways? Who will win Shepard's pants- I mean, heart? Find out next time on **Mass Effect: The Things that need to be Parodied.**


	4. Noveria

_Last time on _**Days of our Mass Effect…**

**Ashley:** "Shepard, I'm pregnant and you're the father."

**Shiala:** "Saren was after the Thorian because it allowed him to give him a Cipher, able to translate the Prothean language. (Prothean expert not included.)"

**Liara:** "Shepard, I'm pregnant and you're the father."

**Wrex: **"I don't like this one bit, but since you did an optional sidequest for me, I guess I'll help you."

**Saren:** "Oh, come on, Shepard. Sure you might feel scared about losing your free will, but once they remove a part of your brain, you won't even notice. Look, you even get to keep it in a jar."

**Shepard:** "Love interest or 2nd in command? Love interest or 2nd in command? Umm… I'm going after Ashley!"

**Kaiden: **"Oh… poopie."

**Tali:** "Shepard, I'm pregnant and Engineer Adams is the father."

**Joker:** "Get your **Team Ashley** or your **Team Liara** T-shirts now! Only 15 credits each."

**Garrus:** "Commander, I wanted to thank you for showing me the light. As such, I changed my intro song."

"**Garrus Vakarian was a Loose Cannon cop who didn't play by the rules. But now, he's turned over a new leaf. He's now Straight Arrow cop who plays by the rules, Bitch!"**

**Conrad Verner:** "Hi, I'm your biggest fan! Can I glomp you?"

**Shepard:** "Uhh… C-Sec!"

**Wrex:** "Commander, I'm pregnant and you're the father."

**Shepard:** "You're female?"

**Wrex:** "Nah! I'm just messing with you."

_We now return to the present…_

**Shepard:** "Did all that really happen?"

**Wrex:** "I'm guessing the Author wanted to do all of this, but something came up."

**Shepard: **"What?"

**Wrex: **"Mass Effect 2."

**Mass Effect: The Things that Need to be Parodied: Noveria**

"I pick…" Shepard hesitated, as did the rest of the crew. Joker knowingly enough played a drum roll to enhance the situation. The two candidates waited eagerly.

"Ashley."

Almost immediately, half of the ship broke out in cheers and the other half groaned in frustration. Liara herself was a bit depressed by the situation as the rest of the crew talked amongst themselves.

"Well, this ruins all of my fanfics." Doctor Chakwas commented.

"Dammit, I should've known when she pulled the Ashamed Grandfather card," Adams muttered to himself.

"I'm out 500 credits!" Pressley said, getting balder by the second.

"Who'd you vote for, Pressley?" Joker asked.

"A threeway!"

"Wait, Liara!" Shepard said. "I didn't mean for this to happen, but I still need you."

"Really?" Dr. T'soni said.

"Yes, we need to find that Conduit."

"Oh, the plot. Very well, hold still."

After more visions of horror and **Dragonball: Evolution**, Liara spoke up."

"Ilos!" Dr. T'soni exclaimed as Commander Shepard felt the need for some strong alcohol. "The Conduit is on Ilos!"

"Great!" John Shepard replied. "Let's go and catch that bastard!"

"We can't." Liara said.

"Huh? Why not? We know where he is."

"Yes, but the only way to get to Ilos is through the Mu Relay, which was lost when a nearby star went Supernova. So unless we happen to find the coordinates to the Mu Relay, we're pretty much doomed."

"Stupid plot device and Murphy's law." Shepard scoffed under his breath. "Fine, I guess we'll head to Noveria, and hope we'll stumble across the coordinates."

Joker spoke. "Aye aye, Captain"

* * *

_On Noveria..._

On the planet, the crew was greeted by a rather unwelcome voice. "SSR Normandy, you are not scheduled for landing. If we find no good reason for you to be here, your ship will be impounded, your crew will be imprisoned and you will be fined a sum of 99,999.99 credits (tax not included). Do I make myself clear?"

Shepard and Joker groaned in unison. "Crystal."

After suiting up, the crew consisting of Shepard, Wrex and Liara was met by a small security force, including a young Asian woman and a blond security guard with a scowl imprinted on her face.

"I am Captain Matsuo and this is ERICS guard Kaira Sterling, you will be asked to be stripped of your weapons."

"But I'm a Spectre." Shepard replied.

"We don't believe you." Sterling barked.

"I work for the Alliance"

"We don't believe you." Sterling repeated.

"I… was the hero of the Skyllian Verge?"

"Oh, nice try" The blond said. "I happen to know that he died while saving that puppy."

"Crap." Shepard whispered under his breath.

"Captain Matsuo, stand down!" The PA system rang. "Their identities have been confirmed. Spectres are permitted to bring weapons aboard."

"Alright." The captain said. "You may pass. But we're watching you!"

"Thanks." Shepard said sheepishly.

The crew passed by the office, only to set off the alarms.

"Forgive the noise, we're not used to heavily armed agents here." A rather polite voice came. "I am Gianna Parasini, at your service."

Shepard smiled. "Finally, someone courteous. My name's Shepard. I know this sound really odd to ask, but did you happen to see anyone who might, I don't know, possess coordinates to a lost Mass Effect relay?"

"Hmm, no. But, I did see a Matriarch pass by here, Matriarch Benezia."

"My mother's here?" Liara asked.

"Yes, and she headed to Peak 15."

"Alright, so we need to head to Peak 15."

Gianna Parasini smiled. "You'll need to see my superior, Administrator Anoleis. Take the elevator downstairs, and you'll be there. That will be 15 credits."

"Wait, what?" Shepard leaped. "You're charging me for the information?"

"Of course. Here on Noveria, we believe free enterprise is the key to success. And when we mean free enterprise, we mean we like to charge credits for our services."

Shepard groaned. "Somehow, I knew a planet consisting of corporations would screw me in the back. Here."

"Thank you and have a pleasant day."

Liara looked confused at best. "I can't believe my mother's here. This feels-"

"Okay, enough!" Shepard barked. "Can't we make some sort of interest besides family ties? I mean, between Ash's and Wrex's grandfathers, Garrus and Tali with their father issues and now we're going after your mother? Come on, we can establish ties better than that!"

"Well," Liara began. "This is an RPG after all. Estranged families are part of the norm."

"Well, at least KotOR II didn't have so many family subplots in their companion characters."

"Hey!" Wrex barked aiming his pistol.

"I don't take to kindly to anyone who talks about Obsidian titles."

"Alright, fine. Let's just get going and see if Liara's mother has the coordinates, which she probably will."

At the elevator, Shepard was met with a toll for 5 credits to ride. "Stupid corporations."

As the crew went in, the announcer became lively. "Hello, and welcome to Port Hanshan. While you are waiting for your elevator to complete, please enjoy the movie."

"Oooh, a movie." Shepard commented.

There a black and white reel of a Salarian showed up on screen.

"Hello. I am Administartor Anoleis, and I am here to ask you a question: Is a company not entitled to the sweat of its own brow?

No, says the man in the Alliance. It belongs to Humanity.

No, says the man in the Citadel. It belongs to the Council races.

I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...

**Noveria!**"

The crew gleamed with joy until they saw nothing more than a rather gray décor in the middle of a giant snowstorm.

"Oh, well that was disappointing." The commander said.

"I think that misleading advertisement only works when you are shown a beautiful scene afterwards, rather than _this._"

Despite their disapproval, the ad continued running.

"A city where the shareholders would not fear the censors.

Where the scientist would not be bound by petty morality.

Where the great would not be constrained by the small.

With the sweat of your brow and a small investment, Noveria can become your city, as well."

After a short walk, Shepard and his crew entered Anoleis's office only to find… Gianna Parasini.

"Wait, how'd you get here so fast? I just saw you in the reception area." Shepard asked.

"I took the stairs reserved for employees, much faster than elevators."

The commander was bewildered. "Wouldn't it be more convenient to hire another assistant?"

"And spend unnecessary credits? Absolutely not! Since you're here, I'll page the Administrator right now."

"What, what? Time is money and I'm wasting it on you!"

"Administrator, you have company."

"Fine, send them in." It didn't take long to find the Salarian Administrator, with a frown on his face.

"Wonderful. I pause my busy work schedule to deal with a Human, a Krogan and an Asari. What do you want?"

"I heard Benezia is at Peak 15, I need to get there."

"Yes, Lady Benezia took the trams there."

Shepard's eyes lightened up. "So we can just take the trams?"

"No. There's a snowstorm outside. I suppose you could drive there." The crew groaned. They once again clenched at the idea of the Mako. "But I won't. So move along now, shoo. I have money I have to count."

The Commander shrugged. "Well, we tried."

"You know," Gianna whispered "Administrator Anoleis isn't the only one with a pass. You _can_ go to the cantina and meet with a Lorik Qui'in, ask for his pass and travel to Peak 15."

"Wow, that is very helpful!" Shepard responded. "I'm really glad to see a bureaucrat aid me on this mission! Thank you."

"Oh, just marry her, Shepard." Wrex grunted. Ignoring that somewhat feasible suggestion, the Normandy ground team made their way up to the elevators to ascend to the bar to find a Turian businessman enjoying his martini.

"Ah Spectre, the pleasure is mine. Lorik Qui'in at your service."

Shepard got straight to the point. "I heard you had a pass to Peak 15."

"I do, but nothing comes without a price."

"Yeah, I sort of figured it out from the intro video on the elevator."

"Administrator Anoleis is a very interesting Salarian, isn't he? He seems to have so much money, that it almost seems… illegal."

"Lemme guess, Anoleis is getting bribes as well as paying guards under the table and you want me to get this evidence for you."

"Uh- Well, yes. Here's my pass for that remarkable guess." The Turian was a bit taken aback.

"Fine, let's get moving."

After a short but costly elevator ride up, the Normandy ground crew already found two of Anoleis's thugs raiding the office.

"Hold it!" the ERICS guard cried. "This area is sealed off. So why don't you turn around and walk on out of here?"

Thinking quickly, Shepard used his CHARM interaction. "Does Captain Matsuo know you're up here? Perhaps I should tell her what's really going on."

"Whoa, whoa whoa!" The smart talking ERICS guard said. "You've made your point. We'll be leaving now."

"All of you?" The Commander said.

"…No. Just the two of us. The others will try to kill you."

After they left, Wrex turned to the commander. "Well that was pointless."

"Well, we at least got rid of two of them."

"And lost all of their experience and credits they were holding."

"You know Wrex, you are such a pessimist."

After which, the ground team quickly began executing complex tactics (by which I mean they spammed Liara's singularity to a ridiculous amount) and shot everything that moved. When all the ERICS guards were dead, the team quickly moved up and downloaded the files from Qui'in's computer. Now, things would've gone smoothly had it not been for the arrival of Kaira Sterling as well as several heavily armed guards.

The scowling guard began. "Halt! You're trespassing on private property, not to mention be in the presence of several dead guards. Anoleis would throw you off world for what you've done here. I won't. Do you know what we did to cop-killers on my world?"

Wrex barked. "You're taking dirty money from Anoleis. Do you know what we did to dirty cops on **my world**?"

Shepard was bewildered. "Can't we talk this out?"

"Doubtful."

"Fine. Liara!"

After a quick command, Liara's overpowered singularity made all of the cops essentially useless as they floated around becoming a shooting gallery of shorts. After that, the rest of the guards were a breeze as they went down the elevator.

"Do you think we did the right thing, killing all of those cops?" Shepard asked.

Wrex shrugged. "Hey, taking money under the table is reason enough in my books."

"Speaking of which, Wrex, what do they do to dirty cops on your world?"

"We eat them."

Having a slight chuckle, the commander asked. "No, really what do they do?"

After a brief silence from the Krogan, Shepard thought it best not to pry.

When the three of them left the elevator, they were greeted by none other than Gianna Parasini.

"Oh my, I heard an awful lot of gunfire in the office. Is everything alright?"

Shepard turned to Wrex and Liara, both whom had no answer.

"Umm… we didn't have anything to do with that?"

"Don't be a smartass!" The receptionist barked. "Meet me before you talk to Qui'in in the cantina."

So after a brief moment of bewilderment, the crew went towards _another_ elevator and waited only to be greeted by the real Gianna Parasini.

"Allow me to reintroduce myself. I'm Gianna Parasini, undercover agent for the Executive Board. I'm here to kick ass, take names and place Anoleis under arrest."

Shepard looked heartbroken. "But-but, your voice was so nice…"

"Oh, cry me a river!" The woman barked. "Don't tell me you believe there was an actual nice receptionist in this galaxy?"

"Yes." Shepard replied sheepishly.

"Look, pal. I don't got all day. Here's what I need you to do; convince Qui'in to testify. That way I can arrest and convict Anoleis, making this a better place."

Liara spoke up. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but even with Anoleis's arrest, wouldn't Noveria still be a corrupt, morally bankrupt planet with its government only out for monetary gain?"

"Well, a _less _corrupt place. See me when you're done."

"Wait, wouldn't Qui'in have seen you talking to me?" Shepard asked.

"We didn't want to say this, but the real reason we fired him was because of his vision problems. He made unsubtle advances to what he thought was a Turian female."

Wrex chimed in. "What was it actually?"

"A power console."

After a pat on the back, Shepard quickly went behind the statue, and talked to Lorik Qui'in.

"Spectre, good to see you again. Unless, you're that waiter again, to which point I apologize."

"Right…" The commander grinned. "Look, I know this is a bit of a surprise to you, but an internal affairs agent contacted me. They want you to testify."

"What? How dare you!" The Turian barked. "You may be an attractive female, but there's no way I'm testifying."

Shepard rolled his eyes and used his CHARM dialogue. "Really? Aren't you sure you wouldn't do anything for little old me?"

To which point Wrex threw up inside his mouth, the Turian smiled a bit. "Now that's more like it! Alright, I guess I'll testify, cutie."

After that rather disturbing montage, the crew rode in silence in the elevator. When they got out, Shepard said only one thing.

"Either of you say anything to Ash about this and I'll go renegade on both of you."

After a quick walk to Anoleis's office, the crew met with the internal agent again.

"It's done; Qui'in will testify."

"Oh, finally! It's time to haul this sonavabitch out of here!" Gianna said.

"Umm… could you do me one last favor?" Shepard asked.

"What?"

"Could you… talk politely one more time?"

Gianna sighed, "Have a pleasant trip, Spectre."

Shepard sighed, "Thank you."

The crew left for the Mako, only to be stopped by Wrex.

"Tell me we're not going for another driving sequence…"

Shepard sighed, "I doubt the author will make us go through that again."

As the crew finally made to the garage, they were dismayed only to hear more Geth noises.

"Well, I guess we know what was in those crates. Liara!"

The crew sprung into action, firing at any Geth in order to save themselves. Luckily, Shepard still had his **Official Prima Strategy Guide** to consult and quickly discovered the turret right next to them. With a quick mini-game, Shepard dominated the Geth and vaporized them. When all was said and done, they were greeted by Captain Matsuo once more.

"What's going on here?" She demanded. "We heard gunfire."

"We just saved our skins by wiping out Geth. The least you could do is say thank you."

"How can I know you're telling the truth?" The Captain said, staring holes into them.

"For Lucas' sake! The corpses are still piled up here!"

"Impossible! How did they manage to pass security?"

Wrex spoke up, "The Asari bitch probably brought them with her."

It was then the Krogan noticed Liara staring holes into him.

"What?"

"This is bad." Captain Matsuo said. "With this and the alert at Peak 15, you're in for heavy resistance. Best of luck, Commander."

"Okay, so who wants to drive-" Shepard said.

"Not it!" Wrex said.

"Not it!" Liara cried.

"Dammit all!"

_

* * *

  
_

"Why the hell would they have rocket soldiers right in front of you where you can't shoot them? It makes no sense!" Shepard grumbled, putting on his space suit.

"Let's get this mission over with. I'm freezing my assets off. Get it? 'Freezing my Assets'? Corporations? Huh? Huh?"

The Krogan shook his head, "I knew I should've shot you when I had the chance."

The ground team moved quickly and opened the garage door, encountering heavy resistance. Of course, heavy resistance meant close to nothing when there was a powerful biotic on your side. Thus, Shepard's team plowed through another wave of Geth and Krogan, only to come to a room with two guns.

"Why are the turrets facing the other way?" Liara asked.

"They want to keep their people in, as much as they want to keep others out.

"Hmm," Shepard commented. "You seem to be familiar with hostage situations, Wrex."

The Krogan glanced back and forth, "Sure…"

The ground team encountered more Geth, to which Liara's very broken powers came quite in handy. It wasn't until a couple of random, off-screen noises filled the complex.

"What was that?" Liara cried.

The Krogan grunted, "It's probably just debris; don't worry, I've got your back."

It wasn't until tiny green termites came and exploded on contact with the crew, spreading toxic damage all over the place.

"Dammit! First the Thorian and now this! Why the hell aren't my shields covering this?"

Finally, as the went up a flight of stairs, they encountered giant shrimp that spit acid all over the place. Faster than you can say **Alien vs. Predator**, the crew shot and killed the roach-like creatures and relaxed.

"What were those… things?" Liara panted.

"Hell, if I know," Wrex shrugged.

Shepard spoke up, "I think they were Rachni."

"Rachni? How are you so sure?" The Asari asked.

"Because my on-screen indicator told me so. See? It says '**Rachni Soldier**'."

"Well… that was anti-climatic." Wrex grunted. "Couldn't the programmers have called them '**Unknown Species**'?"

"Hey, don't knock it. C'mon, let's keep going."

The crew went up the nearby elevator, only to encounter more of the little green termites that would explode on contact. However, since Shepard had no experience in the machine gun, he ended up getting toxic damage anyway.

"Dammit! I know I didn't waste 8000 credits on shields for nothing!"

"Commander, that seems to be a power console for the complex." Liara stated.

Wrex grunted, "Don't keep us in suspense, Shepard. Activate it."

Shepard did so, only to hear a female voice chime. "User Alert. Peak 15 facilities have been shut down. Please re-activate core in order to continue."

After a few brief moments of walking, Shepard came to the core. After being shuttled down, he noticed a rather peculiar puzzle, waiting for him to solve.

"Hmm… This looks like a job for the **Official Prima Strategy Guide**!"

Liara turned to Wrex. "I thought you took that away from him."

"I did! I don't know how the hell he got it back."

"Press B, then Y and… Finished!"

After a victory chime, Shepard was summoned up, only to meet face to face with the station's red-headed VI.

"Well, this is unexpected." He muttered to himself.

"Hey, the name's MIRA. I'm the best VI on this station, and that's not me bragging; that's a fact."

Shortly after, a shotgun discharged. However, since the VI was a hologram, it did no real damage. Liara and Shepard turned to Wrex, still holding his shotgun.

"Sorry, force of habit."

The VI continued, "Yeah, if you're done roaming around like a Bantha, I'll tell you what you need to get done."

Shepard nodded, "Tell us, MIRA."

"'Kay, first off, you'll need to power from the plant turned on. However, there's an army of Geth there, but it's your loss. The other thing you need to get done is to activate the landlines outside. 'Course, those are going to be protected by a bunch of insects waiting for you, so… good luck."

Shepard turned to his crew, "Okay, what do you guys want to take first? The Geth or the Rach-"

"**Geth,**" both said in unison.

"Right, then. Off to the main power core." Shepard led the way to a distant elevator. Once they got off, they found heavy resistance in the forms of Geth Juggernauts and Stalkers. However, this was all made null and void, thanks to Liara's powers. Once there, they pressed a single button and thus the power was restored.

"Okay, now let's go… open the power lines.

_

* * *

_

_Up on the roof...  
_

Shepard sighed heavily. "Okay. Game is saved. Barrier is cast. Medi-gel on standby. Let's do this."

The Commander opened the door. "Oh, Jesus! Barrier doesn't help at all!"

**Critical Mission Failure**

Once reloaded, Shepard took a deep breath. "Okay. This time, Liara, I want you to cast Singularity."

"Aye, Aye, Commander."

Shepard opened the door. What the ground team failed to realize was that Rachni Soldiers had a nasty habit of exploding near contact.

"Oh, God! It's in my eyes!"

**Critical Mission Failure**

Shepard grumbled and said a few profanities before reloading again, this time casting immunity.

Thus, by the skin of his teeth, with both Wrex and Liara unconscious on the ground, Shepard finally opened the landlines.

"Damn you, game programmers…" Shepard grunted.

However, MIRA popped up in the nick of time. "Woah, what happened to your face?"

"Oh, mess off!"

"Fine, be that way. The full facility has been restored. Matriarch Benezia is currently at the Hot Labs. Take the trams there, and you're good to go."

"Oh good." Shepard said, just about to leave when…

"User Alert: Loose Contaminants in the area. Either use a high Electronics skill or kill them yourself."

"Sonavabitch!"

_

* * *

_

_Later on the Tram...  
_

"I feel I must apologize again, Commander." Liara commented, as the tram neared a halt. "If I had invested more in my Electronics skill, you still wouldn't be suffering toxic damage."

Shepard waved his hand, "Don't worry about it. The way my luck's going, I was bound to get poisoned anyway. Looks like we're here."

The ground team looked around.

Wrex grunted, "This place looks more deserted than a Turian strip bar."

"There's bound to be someone here; let's keep looking."

And so, Shepard's crew continued the search for any human life, only to stumble across an elevator. The crew took an elevator up, only to find a motley crew of survivors, pointing their guns at them.

"Stand down, men. Hello there, Commander. I was afraid you were a bunch of those monsters."

"You mean the Rachni?" Shepard asked.

"Shh! Where did you hear about that?"

Shepard pointed to the top of the screen, "I read it in the identification unit. You must be Captain Ventralis."

The captain sighed, "I always knew those game programmers gave too much away. What can I do for you?"

Shepard reassured the crew, "I'll help whatever I can, but it's important that I find Matriarch Benezia. Do you know where she is?"

Ventralis nodded, "She should be in the Hot Labs; here's a key to the elevator. Good luck, Commander and- wait…"

A loud screeching noise signaled more Rachni coming their way. "Crap, here they come!"

Shepard turned around, only to be covered in acid.

"That's it! You die!" The ground team, along with the mercenaries killed off the two Rachni soldiers. The Commander, however, insisted on shooting the Rachni a few more times before he considered it dead.

"Commander…" Liara chimed.

"Die, you mother-"

"Ahem," Captain Ventralis said in a clear voice. "As we were saying, Commander… Martriarch Benezia is in the Hot Labs if you need her."

Shepard turned to them, "While we're at it, do you have any sidequests you need completed?"

"Hmm… you should try speaking with Dr. Cohen down in the Lab Bay. He may need some help."

"Will do. Until then, keep safe!"

Shepard and his crew walked past the surviving scientists, a bit shaken up to say the least. Shepard could even spot one sucking his thumb. The crew finally went down to the Lab Bay, seeing a Dr. Cohen treating some patients.

"Who's there?" The doctor said. "Oh, you gave me quite a fright."

"Commander Shepard, Systems Alliance. I heard you had a sidequest that needed solving."

"I'm not sure if I should tell you…" The Doctor said.

"Tell that to your patient over there. Now, what's the sidequest?"

"Very well. We were creating a bio-weapon but we forgot to make a cure. When MIRA went offline, the bio-weapon was exposed and now all my men are sick. We need someone to mix up a cure."

Shepard looked around, "And you can't do this because…"

"Well, I suppose there's the chance of being exposed, but it should only break into simple proteins now. You're a stranger, and therefore a liability. Therefore, if you could convince Captain Ventralis to let you through, then you could whip up a cure!"

"Except there's the matter that I have no prior experience with chemicals."

Dr. Cohen laughed, "Don't worry! You can use **The Beginner's Chemistry Set**, able to teach a human child to the most dim-witted Krogan how to mix chemicals."

Shepard sighed, "Fair enough"

_

* * *

_

_Down in the Med Bay...  
_

Shepard and crew walked over, only to find a rather peculiar Elcor staring at them. "You're one of them, aren't you?"

"Huh?" The Commander asked.

"One of the outsiders. Oh, things haven't been the same since the Rachni appeared."

Shepard shrugged, "Okay, why don't you tell us how the Rachni appeared?"

"It was terrible! We found a derelict egg and thought we could clone it. However, it backfired on us and now we're surrounded!"

The Normandy's leader shook his head, "Don't worry about it! I'll take care of things."

"I hope so. Volus tend to die when near Rachni, you know."

"I'll take that into account…"

The crew neared the Med Lab, only to be met by a rather disgruntled Turian. "Who the hell are you?"

"Well, someone's in a good mood today. Hi, I'm Shepard."

"So? Why should that be of any importance?"

Wrex turned to the Commander, "Can I shoot him?"

Ignoring that comment, Shepard continued to push through, "Captain Ventralis sent me to make a cure. I even have **The Beginner's Chemistry Set** to prove it."

"Oh yeah… Well, when you come out, you have to prove that you're not contaminated! Got it?"

"Fine." Shepard said, entering the room.

"Shepard, may I shoot him?" Liara asked.

"Wait; you're the cautious one. Why would you want to shoot him?" Shepard asked.

"Even we Asari have our limits."

As the crew entered, Shepard opened up his Chemistry set and got to work. Luckily, like everything else in the game, using his master button pressing skills, he was able to create a viable cure. However, he turned around only to find an Asari with a legion of Geth by her side.

"Matriarch Benezia hired me to eliminate potential threats. Any last words?"

Shepard shrugged, "Wow, I never thought I'd be happy to face opponents that use guns this time."

"Weapons free."

"Liar-"

"I know already!" The Asari cried.

And without another word spoken, Liara used **Singularity** yet again, making the game rather simple. Once that was done, Shepard and crew stepped outside, only to find the Turian guardsmen dead. For some reason, no one gave any sense of remorse. The crew continued on, only to meet with Han Olar again.

"They came from over there." He said.

"You mean the synthetics?" Shepard asked.

"Yes, from maintenance. A team lead would have a pass back there, like Dr. Cohen."

"Very convenient, if I say so myself. Let's go"

* * *

_Elevator to the Hot Labs…_

"Shepard, are you sure you don't want to know what's going on in mantience?"

Shepard shrugged, "That can wait. Right now, we need to find Benezia."

Once the elevator had stopped, there was only a lone man, sitting in a chair.

"Helloh. I'm guessing you are here for the Rachni, no?"

Shepard squinted, "Hey, haven't I seen you somewhere before?"

"No, no. It's like I tell my cousin, Roman. It's better to concentrate now, then worry about little things."

"Fair enough. Go on my Russian friend."

"I'm not Russian! Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yes. You must learn the story of how we captured a Rachni egg and how everything went out of control."

"Wait," Liara asked. "Where is Matriarch Benezia?"

"Who? Never mind. Listen, we found an egg on board a derelict ship. Somehow survived. We decided to revive it, clone it to make an army."

"Wait," Shepard interrupted. "How would reviving an ancient race of insects with a violent past be profitable in any sort of way?"

"Like they say in America, 'Hindsight is 20-20. Anyway, the Rachni are out of control and there is only one thing we can do."

"Reasoning with them to come towards a peaceful solution?"

"No… Euthanizing them is what I had in mind. What you need to do is activate the neutron purge, and then I will-" Without another word, the Eastern accented scientist was pierced through the heart by a random Rachni. Shepard and the crew quickly disposed of it, but was left with a dead scientist. Shepard reached down and picked up the codes.

"Well, we have the codes. All we need to do now is activate them."

Shepard and crew walked over to the local terminal, only to find MIRA yet again.

"Oh, it's you. What do you want?"

"Any chance you could be less sarcastic and more helpful?"

"Any chance of KotOR III coming out soon?"

Shepard and crew stood silent for a moment.

"Sorry about that."

"It's fine. Now, give me the code and I'll activate the purge."

Shepard leaned in closely, "Teddy Bear."

"Right. Purge activating in 120 seconds. MIRA out."

Then, just outside the Terminal station, a sea of screeches could be heard.

"What was that sound?" Shepard asked.

"Me crapping my pants," Wrex stated. The crew ran outside, only to find a dozen Rachni soldiers and dozens more Rachni soldiers. To this, Shepard could only say one thing.

"**RUN!!!**"

The crew ran as quickly as they could. However, since someone at Bioware decided to put a 'Sprint meter', it wasn't long before Shepard ran out of breath. As acid dug into his skin, he slowed to a crawl, pushing the elevator up. They finally reached the surface, almost dead by the acid. Shepard walked towards the other elevator and activated it.

"Dammit, someone's going to pay for going through that."

After waiting for about an hour for the toxic to be drained out of their system, Shepard and company went back up the elevator. When they realized that it was pretty much abandoned, they continued forth, only to find Captain Ventralis and his men with their guns ready.

"I'm sorry, Shepard. Matriarch Benezia knew your weakness for sidequests so she staged a trap downstairs. Men, fire!"

Shepard turned to Liara, "Do I even have to ask?"

"No." And so, Liara used her **Singularity,** yet again, to eliminate the threat. Once, Captain Ventralis and his men were disposed of, Shepard continued down to contaminated labs, only to find Han Olar being held at gunpoint.

"Hey! Leave that delightfully morbid NPC alone!" Shepard cried as they returned fire. Luckily, Han Olar was safe and the crew took a breather.

"You okay?"

"Oh, sure. Once your life was forfeit once, you don't really mind afterwards." The Volus said.

"Good to hear. Come on, I think it's time we figured out what's behind maintenance.

* * *

_What was behind Maintenance…_

Shepard and crew finally came towards an ominous door. Shepard turned to Liara, and gave her a sit-down. "Liara, it's not too late to turn back. Well, actually it is, but I just wanted to make sure you're prepared for this."

"I will be fine. Lead the way."

Shepard opened the door, only to find Matriarch Benezia staring at a large Rachni.

"You don't know the privilege of being a mother. Her children were to be ours." The Matriarch strolled towards the stairs, finally meeting with Shepard and crew.

"I won't be moved by sympathy. My loyalty to Saren is unwavering."

Shepard gestured towards Liara to open up communications with Benezia.

"Mother… why wouldn't you let me have the car to go out!?"

Benezia groaned, "This again? I told you once, and I'll tell you again, you were only 50! That's hardly old enough to be driving around in?"

"Oh! You get to decide what's best for me when you join up with a criminal Turian to conquer the galaxy."

"I told you archeologists were poor. And look at you now, staying in the company of a Human. I should've known."

Shepard whispered to Wrex, "Wow, Liara has some really deep issues with her mother."

The Krogan shrugged, "I can relate."

Liara cried out, "Well at least mine are real!"

Matriarch Benezia gasped, "That's it, you've crossed the line. **Stasis!**" And so, Matriarch Benezia froze the crew as swarms of Geth and Asari commandos swarmed the stage. Shepard took cover and blind-fired back.

"Wrex! Hand me the scouter!"

Wrex took the green eyelens and handed it to Shepard. There, Shepard read Benezia current power.

"Let's see… Matriarch Benezia's Power Level is… huh, that's a lot."

"Shepard!" Liara cried. Little did Shepard realize the power of Asari commandos and their **Push **ability. Thus, when Shepard bent over as quickly as a wet paper mache, he was surprised to say the least.

**Critical Mission Failure**

Shepard awoke with the rest of the crew, "Huh. I did not know my spine could bend that way. Okay, let's try this again."

The crew walked forward and…

"You don't know the privilege of being a mother. Her children were to be ours." The Matriarch strolled towards the stairs, finally meeting with Shepard and crew.

"I won't be moved by sympathy. My loyalty to Saren is unwavering."

Shepard gestured towards Liara to open up communications with Benezia.

"Mother… why wouldn't you let me have the car to go out!?"

"Wait a minute, does this look familiar to you?" Shepard asked.

"The game saved before a cutscene. That means we're stuck watching this crap again." Wrex explained.

"Wait, can't I just save afterwards?"

"Except you can't save during a battle or during dialogue."

Shepard stood silent for a moment.

"**Damn you, Bioware!**" He said, as the Asari commandos swooped down, yet again. The crew only managed to get swarmed, right before dying.

**Critical Mission Failue**

After a long list of profanities, Shepard and crew walked thought the door, _again_.

"You don't know the privilege of being a mother. Her children were to be ours."

"Yes, yes, we know! Let's just get this over with!" Shepard cried. As they fought off the Asari Commando's Shepard had a brilliant idea.

"Liara, use **Lift!**"

Liara did so, only to find that many of the Asari commandos died upon reaching the ceiling.

"Of course! The ceiling must be a dead so the programmers forgot to adjust. Use **Lift!**"

And so, thanks to faulty programming, the Asari commandos were dispatched of, leaving on a final confrontation with the Matriarch.

"You can't stop me; I won't allow it. My mind is filled with Saren's light."

Shepard sighed, "Look, can we just get this over with, I'm behind on enough sidequests as it is."

The Matriarch turned to them, "You must listen to me, Saren is… controlling me somehow."

"Indoctrination, right?" Shepard replied.

"Yes, and it's caused by-"

"His ship Sovereign which is an actual Reaper."

"Are you going to let me finish my dialogue or not?"

"Fine." Shepard groaned.

"I sealed off a part of my mind from Saren so I may conveniently stop him, but I was too late. I had helped Saren to the point of ruin."

"Alright, how about you redeem yourself and give us a map to the Mu relay?" Shepard prodded.

"How did you know I had it?"

"Bioware formula. Now, hand it over."

The Matriarch moved forward and handed over the file. "I transferred the data to an OSD. Take it. You have to stop me. His teeth are at my ear. Fingers on my spine. You should… you should…"

"Mother!" Liara cried, "Fight him. Don't… don't leave. I take back almost everything I said before!"

Benezia turned back, "You always made me proud, Liara!"

Liara sobbed heavily, as Shepard groaned. "I really don't have time for this…"

The crew quickly dispatched of the Matriarch and the following Asari commandos, thanks to the ceiling glitch. Afterwards, Shepard stared down at Benezia.

"So, it is over…" Benezia said.

Shepard cried out, "Hold on, we have medi-gel, we could-"

"No! That would be too convenient and I'm a pawn of Saren. I must pass on."

"Mother…" Liara said.

"Goodbye, Little Wing. No Light… There always said there would be a- **Oh wait**, there it is. Bleh."

Liara sighed, as the rest of the crew decided to move on. However, a barely alive Asari was brought back and had a quivering voice.

"_This one's song is nearly ending… it is beautiful_."

"What the hell?" Shepard asked.

"_I am the mother. I only request that someone aid me. What will you sing? Will you release us or are we doomed to wonder these low spaces…_"

"Hmm… tough decision. I suppose you wouldn't mind just waiting there before I could deliberate with the Council, would you?"

"_No._"

"Fair enough. Okay, raise you hand if you want to save the Mother Rachni."

Liara raised her hand.

"All oppose?"

Wrex raised both of his hands.

"Wrex…"

"Oh, come on! Millions of my ancestors died trying to kill these things. Do you think I'd be okay with you letting it go?"

"Are you really going to shoot me, after all that we've been through together?" Shepard asked.

"No, but I'll be in a sour mood for the remainder of the game."

"Just the way I like you. Okay, I'll let you go, but you have to _promise_ not to kill or invade worlds."

"_You have my solemn oath. Thank you, we shall sing your praises for eternity._"

With a quick button push, Shepard released the Mother Rachni and so, the crew went on their way.

"Come on, let's finish this game, already."

(**A/N:** It is time for a confession. Because of my laziness and my delaying tactics, I wasn't able to complete Virmire or Feros in this fanfiction. While I could make up some excuse of how I was not able to do so, I want to complete this fanfiction before the release on January 26th, where this fanfiction shall become void. And so, I apologize to all those that I have betrayed, and ask that you stay for the final confrontation on Ilos.)


	5. Endgame

**Disclaimer**: I do not own or claim to own the property of Mass Effect. Mass Effect is copyrighted to the fine people of Bioware, Electronic Arts and Microsoft Studios. Please support the official release.

**Mass Effect: The Things that need to be Parodied: Endgame**

_In the briefing room…_

"Alright!" Shepard commented. "We know where Saren is headed and we have the coordinates to our relay. Let's go catch him!"

"We can't" Tali said.

"What now?" Shepard groaned.

"The Mu relay is in the Termius systems. Going in there will trigger a war."

"Umm… stealth systems, anybody?" Shepard asked.

"Saren will be there with mass of his fleets. You need to contact the Council and ask them for help." Liara said.

"Oh, alright. I guess I have no choice."

Shepard walked up to the navigational map of the bridge with Joker on the line.

"Commander, we've just got word from the Citadel. A joint fleet is emerging, and Ambassador Udina wants us to meet him on the Citadel."

"About time! Take us in, Joker. I want the Normandy to be at the heart of that fleet."

* * *

_Back on the Citadel…_

"Good job, Shepard." Udina said. "The Council is finally taking real action against Saren."

"Yes," the Turian Councilor said. "We've set up patrols around the Mass Relay that lead towards the Citadel. If Saren tries anything, we'll stop him dead cold."

Shepard was bewildered. "One ship going into the Termius Systems won't start a war. Send me, and I'll be quiet."

With that, the Turian Councilor responded,

"You detonated a nuclear device on Virmire. Archaic as it sounds, that still made a lot of noise. I wouldn't call that subtle."

"What about the Reapers?" Shepard said.

"Only you have seen the Reapers," The Asari Coucilor said. "And only in visions."

"Secrecy isn't Saren's greatest weapon; the Conduit is. We need to find it."

The Salarian Ambassador scoffed. "He's tricking you, Shepard. There is no Conduit."

"Wait, you mean to tell me that Saren sent his Geth to several planets, sent his right hand to find the coordinates to a lost relay, tried to capture and possibly torture a Prothean expert, _just for a distraction?_ Excuse my language, but **are you high**?"

"Yes, I am high. High above you in the chain of command."

Udina faced Shepard, "It's over, Commander. We've won! Now is the time for you to sit down, and shut up."

"That idea is just as bad as the American version of that show. This isn't over!"

The Turian Councilor chimed in, "Ambassador, I get the feeling that Commander Shepard isn't willing to step down."

"You've been a big help Commander, but it's time for you to get out of the way. I've locked the Normandy's controls, so you can't leave."

"You bastard!" Ashley cried. "You're selling us out!"

"Nothing personal, Commander. Just politics."

"You're going to regret this, Udina. I swear it!" Shepard then left off, only to return to the Normandy.

* * *

_On the Normandy…_

"Stupid bureaucrats and their stupid politics." Shepard grumbled as he went to his locker. When he angrily threw some stuff around, he found Ash by his side.

"Fricken' Udina. I always knew in-game politics always got in the way."

"So, that's it?" Ashley asked. "Game over?"

"Not by a long shot! Udina may have grounded me, but I'll stop Saren one way or another."

"That's the spirit, Skipper! Listen, whatever happens, I just wanted you to know that… I want you to be happy."

Shepard smiled, "Thanks, Ash. I want you to be happy, too."

"Just don't expect me to be all lovey-dovey all the time." With that, Ash helped Shepard off his feet. However, she underestimated her strength and his weight. They nearly collided, only to feel each other's warm breath. With a slow, steady pace, the two began to move closer to each other and-

"Captain, urgent message," Joker said over the PA.

"Dammit, Joker! I'm going to-" And with that, Commander Shepard said a plethora of obscenities that would've made this fanifiction receive an 'M' rating. He continued this, until he cooled down 5 minutes later.

"-sideways! (Sigh) Now, what did you want?"

Regaining his composure, Joker shook his head. "Oh! Captain Anderson wanted to see you at that club, Flux. He said there's a way to get you off the station."

"You better head out, Skipper. Can't keep the Captain waiting…"

* * *

_Flux…_

Heading out with Garrus and Ashley, Shepard found Captain Anderson waiting at a table.

"Heard about what happened. I tried to get a message to you before they ambushed you, but my wireless plan cut out. Damn Verizon."

"Well, now what? Saren's already nearing the Conduit and the only ship that can get me there is grounded."

Keith David leaned in. "I know you're angry, and so am I. I have a plan to get you off the station. One of my plans could be to either trespass on Citadel Security, where I might probably get shot, or go into the Ambassador's office and-

"**Ambassador's Office.**" The entire crew said in unison.

"I was hoping you'd say that. Now, are you ready-"

"_Are you rrrready?_"

An odd silence fell on the table.

"I said, 'are you ready'?"

"_Are you rrrready?_"

"What is that?" Shepard asked.

"Nothing! Now, I want to know if you're ready-"

"_Are you rrrrready?_"

"To get off this station!" Captain Anderson yelled.

"You bet. I'll be in the Normandy if you need me."

"Make us proud, Shepard."

However, the curious Turian asked, "Commander, I thought you always told me to obey the rules?"

"Garrus, when BS politics are involved, anything goes."

"I like the sound of that."

However, back at the table, Captain Anderson sighed, putting on a tophat.

"Oh alright.

_Transmogrification central!  
Can you feel it?  
You're changin'  
You're changin'  
You're changin', all right!  
I hope you're satisfied  
But if you ain't  
Don't blame me  
You can blame my friends on the other side!"_

The song ended and naturally, the crowd went wild. Captain Anderson took a bow.

* * *

_Ambassador Udina's office…_

Typing away at his computer, Udina felt surprised to find Keith David entering his office.

"Anderson? I didn't send for you. What are you-" Udina was quickly silenced with a quick hook to the face.

_Meanwhile, back on the Normandy…_

Shepard and Joker waited patiently for the greenlight to signal. Just when it looked like the plan wouldn't fall through, the green light signaled.

"Get us out of here, Joker!" Shepard yelled as he made his way back to the bridge. Joker smiled and quickly took off, chasing after Saren and his attempts at the Conduit.

* * *

_Nearing Ilos_…

Shepard stood watching his screensaver with all the lights turned off.

Suddenly, a voice from behind came, "Skipper?"

Shepard stood up, "Don't you think we're past nicknames now?"

The Gunnery Chief smiled. "You'll always be my captain, "Oh Captain, My Captain."

"You know Whitman?"

"I did, but I got it off of Dead Poet's Society.

_Death closes all: but something ere the end,  
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,  
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods. _

You know, Fraternization could be a long list of things added to the list of court-martials. You ready to deal with the consequences?"

"Ash, I just pulled a Star Trek III. Do you think I really care what happens now?"

"Star Trek III? Spock died?"

"No, that was **Wrath of Kahn**." Shepard said.

"You… talked to God?"

"N-no, that was **The Final Frontier**."

Ash shook her head, "I don't- Oh! You went back in time and rewrote all of our destinies using Red Matter."

"**No**! That was J.J. Abram's **Star Trek**, which despite having a script full of plot holes and plot devices from Alex Kurtzman and Bob Orci, had very good direction as well as great acting on everyone's part. I stole the ship! Kirk defied orders and stole the Enterprise."

Ash rubbed the back of her head, "Sorry, I'm more of a Next Generation girl myself."

"As I was saying, at this point, I really don't care about what they do to me."

"During that whole time, not even once did I feel I was worth fight for… You make me feel good enough."

Shepard smiled, "I love you, Ash Williams."

A rather awkward pause came between the two. "Umm… that didn't come out exactly right. What I meant to say was-"

"Shut up and kiss me, you fool!" Ashley cried as they forced themselves upon each other.

They slowly embraced each other, sensually and delightfully. After a very good toss in Shepard's bed, Ash awoke, only to find the Commanding Officer fully dressed.

"Well now, I guess that's a new way of saying, 'Drop down and give me twenty'."

Shepard smiled. "Like what you saw?"

Ashley shrugged. "Actually it was so dark, I could barely see a thing."

"Yeah… it's that damn light. I have to get that fixed some day."

Joker spoke through the intercom. "Nearing Mu Relay. ETA 5 minutes."

"Well, looks like it's almost time."

Ashley spoke up, "Shepard. In case we don't make it, no! You know what? If you want to know, you'll just have to come back to me. Come back to me, and I'll let you know how I really feel."

* * *

_Nearing Ilos_…

After successfully passing through the Mu relay, the Normandy could do little but to witness the fleet of ships before them."

"Lotta Geth chatter out there, are you sure we're safe?" Pressley asked.

"Stealth Systems are online. They won't see us, unless they look out a window."

"We need to get down to the surface," Liara stated.

"Nearest landing zone is 2 clicks away from Saren's position."

"That's too far, we'll never make it in time," Liara said.

"Drop us in the Mako…" Shepard gritted through his teeth. "We should be able to- drive."

"You need at least 100 m for a Mako drop. Closest I can find to Saren is 20 m."

"20 meters?" Ashley cried, "We're never make it! Find another landing zone."

"There is no other landing zone! I looked!" Pressley cried.

"We have to try!" Tali said. "It's are only option."

"It's not an option!"

Shepard winced, "Ow, Ash, that was right in my ear."

"It's a suicide mission, we should-"

"I can do it." Joker said.

"Joker?" Shepard said.

"I can make the shot. Just get in and I'll do it."

Shepard cried, "You heard the man! Let's suit up!"

Before he left, Ash stopped him for a brief moment. "Umm… Skipper. I was wondering if- I could, **join you this time.**"

Shepard grumbled. "Aww… can't you wait for Mass Effect 2?"

Ashley simply frowned.

"Fine! You and Liara, get suited up!"

The Normandy quickly swooped down. Below, Saren was nearly unaware of the situation, but quickly ordered his troops inside while sealing the door. After they narrowly crashed towards the wall, Shepard and crew were faced with a minor setback. A door.

"Looks like we can't blast through this door," Ashley said. "Shame, too."

Liara looked around, "There must be a security console nearby that we can use. We must hurry."

Shepard nodded. "Alright, let's-"

"Wait! You didn't level me up, yet!" Ash said.

"Oh, fine! Here, lemme see…" After a few quick moments, Shepard was done upgrading his unused squadmate. "Let's do this!"

The crew followed a pathway. Using their sharp skills, they mostly mowed through the Geth forces using their powers (with the exception of Ashley who didn't _have_ powers so she simply just shot at things.)

However, they were quickly stopped by two Geth Armatures shooting electric shots.

"Alright, as long as we take cover and avoid the shots, we can-"

A loud gasp showed Liara on the floor unconscious.

"Dammit! We've already played this joke!" Shepard said, taking cover. He and Ashley managed to _slowly_ diminish the Geth's health as they constantly took cover and Shepard tried this best to revive Liara, only for her to die several mote times. Luckily, the managed to defeat the Armatures and move on.

* * *

_Much, much, later…_

"Oh, God!" Shepard cried. "I've managed to use up all my medi-gel on these ridiculous conflicts. Do the people at Bioware hate us?"

"Possibly," Liara stated. "That or the difficulty curve has been significantly increased to excuse this as the final level of the game. There's the security console, we have to catch up to Saren."

"Unless he's already found the Conduit," Ashley quipped.

"That is a risk we will have to take." Shepard unlocked the door, only to have a corrupt data cache come in.

"Look, a Prothean message!" Liara said.

"_Hmm… so long… must add lots of ginger… filthy, filthy girl… too small…_"

Shepard said nothing, hearing his squadmates discuss amongst themselves.

"I can't understand it. It's in Prothean." Liara said. "Shepard, do you understand what it's saying?"

"_Ohh… somebody spank me! Momma needs more… bad, bad… oh! OH!_"

Shepard stuttered, "Uhh… it's just a distress call about the Conduit. We- we should go."

"What does it say?" Liara asked.

"Nothing! I-I mean, it's too damaged to figure out. C'mon, we should get out of here."

The crew took another Elevator up, returning to the Mako.

The Commander sighed, "Okay. I may hate this stupid piece of junk, but it's our only way to reach Saren. So… let's do this!"

And so, Shepard started the Mako and drove cautiously. However, when rockets began firing at them, Shepard did his best not to get hit. His best wasn't very good.

After running over any resistance, Liara marveled at the many Statis Pods they had uncovered.

"Look at this! It is marvelous. This must be the last shelter of the Prothean resistance. There are hundreds among hundreds of pods out here."

Ash commented as well. "Umm… yeah. Let's save the galaxy first, and then admire the view."

The crew then ran into a wall, unsure what was going on."

"What's this?" Liara asked.

"It's an ambush!" Ashley cried.

"No! I believe that this isn't Saren's work. I think we're supposed to go to that door to the right."

Shepard nodded. The crew then took another elevator beneath the surface, trying to see what was below. The crew felt surprised to find another Prothean VI waiting at the nerve center.

"_I do not sense the taint of indoctrination upon you, unlike the one who came here before…_" The VI said.

"I-I don't believe this." Liara said. "An actual working Prothean VI!"

"Not only that," Ash said. "But I can understand it, too."

"_Yes, I decided to study your language and speak to you for the sake of plot convenience_._ My name is __**Vigil.**__You come seeking the Conduit. But in order for you to understand how to defeat it, you must understand the cycle of extinction that has been plaging the galaxy for hundreds of years. The Citadel is your center of government, yes?"_

Shepard nodded.

"_That is unfortunate. You see, we Protheans, also established the Citadel as our center of government. We were caught totally off-guard when the Reapers attacked. You see, the Citadel is actually a giant Mass Relay leading into dark space._"

"Wait, then how come no could tell it was a giant Mass Relay?" Shepard asked.

"_The keepers prevented such poking and prodding so that no one could actually learn of the true intentions of the Citadel. There we became fat and complacent until the Reapers came in and destroyed our entire civilization. It was Sid Meier all over again…_"

"So there's no stopping it?" Shepard asked.

"_Luckily, the few Protheans that survived gather together to prevent this from happening. When the Reapers intend to invade, they send out a signal to the Reapers. However, we blocked this and made sure it couldn't happen again."_

"Unless a jerkass Turian decides to open the signal! Saren will let the Reapers in."

"_Yes. He plans to use the Conduit, a Mass Relay that leads inside the Citadel to open the gate. You must take this OSD, which I have conveniently prepared in case someone was stupid- I mean, brave enough to venture and stop Saren. It should be located near Citadel Tower. We spent many years preparing this, so much so that I had to shut off the status pods in order of friend ranking via ProtheanSpace._"

"Huh, seems a bit unfair." Shepard said.

"_It was necessary in order to weed out the unwanted. I have sensed that Saren has not left yet. You can catch up to him but you must hurry._"

"Thank you, Exposition and Convenient Plot Device. You have saved us all."

"Shepard," Liara said. "Don't you want to know more about the Protheans? Vigil doesn't have much time left."

"Liara, remember when I said that some things take priority over others?"

"Yes…"

"Saving the galaxy is one of them."

"You're right…" Liara sighed.

After what seemed to be a rather awkward elevator ride, Shepard and crew hopped into the Mako and drove forwards.

"It's sad to see the civilization that may have found the one thing to defeat the Reapers was wiped off the face of the galaxy."

Ash shrugged, "Well, easy come, easy go. Let's find that Conduit and stop Saren."

Shepard sucked in his breath, "This could be a bumpy ride…"

After barely managing to survive several encounters with Rocket troopers, Rocket drones, Geth Colossi, amongst other things, with barely a sliver of health left, Shepard and crew finally managed to find the Conduit, glowing brightly in the distance.

"Look at it; it's beautiful!" Liara said.

"No time to admire the view! We've got to get to it before it closes and this blockade isn't going to make it easy for us!"

"Wait…" Shepard said. "We're supposed to run a blockade of Geth Armatures with the slowest and bulkiest vehicle in the Alliance Navy?"

The two women nodded.

"Oh, stick me in a school and call me Furious Ming, this is going to be a pain in the ass…"

* * *

_Meanwhile, in Citadel Space…_

The beginning of Saren's fleet began to invade the Citadel. With a quick volley of energy shots, they decimated the number of ships in front of them.

"This is an emergency!" An Asari cried. "Evacuate the Council! We have to close the Arms. Hello? Hello!"

But, it was too late. Just as if they had watched **The Adventures of Pluto Nash**, the remaining Asari inside were dead, killed by Geth hands.

* * *

_Back on Ilos…_

Seconds passed by. Shepard and crew were taking heavy damage. They tried to follow the designated road, only to receive heavy damage along the way. They ran past the roadblock, praying to their individual deities. And just when they thought it was game over, once more, they quickly shot up towards the Conduit, being at the mercy of the Mass Effect Relay.

_Near Citadel Tower…_

The guarding Geth were caught by surprise only to be run over by a random Tank which quickly tipped over by their demise. Shepard and crew managed to crawl out of the wreckage, to find the Mako a tipped over mess.

"Wow, somehow I'm glad this thing broke down when it did."

The crew continued forward, only to be ambushed by several Husks and Geth. But by this point, Shepard didn't even have to signal to Liara to defeat the swarm of Geth and thus remained victorious. They found a nearby information console and decided to… consult it.

Shepard commented, "Hey, it's **AVINA**, the VI that I have never used. Can you provide us with some additional exposition?"

"O-o-o-of course. Casualties by the millions. Several emergency systems off-line. Michael Bay films playing in every sector.

"Wow, worse that I thought. What about Ambassador Udina and Captain Anderson?"

"Specific locations of civilians unknown. Citadel must restore peace before counting of casualties can commence."

"Come on!" Shepard barked. "Saren's got enough of a head start as it is, we've got to hurry!"

And so, Shepard and crew took the elevator up, praying they weren't too late.

* * *

_Too late…_

Saren shot a nearby Keeper and reached the command console right near Citadel Tower.

After typing a few keywords essential for complete domination, the Citadel Arms closed very slowly, but not before Sovereign flew past, and at times through, several ships only to merge with the Citadel. Its giant tendrils took control, and managed to shut down major systems, including the elevators.

"Sovereign's locked down the elevator!" Shepard cried, while pulling out his pistol. "Suit up! We're taking the long way around!"

With a quick shot of the pistol, the Normandy ground team stepped right outside… only to walk on the Citadel's outside surface.

"For a moment there, I thought we would float for a brief moment." Ashley said.

"Sorry, Ash. **2001**'s probably a movie we aren't ripping off… much. To the Council chambers!"

* * *

_Many, many battles later…_

"Huh," The Commander commented to himself. "Who knew one of the perks of zero gravity was to defeat all opponents with **Lift**."

Shepard and crew barely made it to the Citadel Tower. There, they found Saren working busily on the console.

"Hmm…" The Turian said, "My Spectre senses are tingling. Grenade!" He shouted as the crew scattered out of its blast radius.

"You're too late, Shepard!" Saren said. "Within a few moments, Soveriegn will have full control of the station. It's not too late for you to join us!"

"Saren, get out of the way! I have to stop the Reapers!" Shepard said behind cover.

"Don't you understand? Reapers think all organics are 'meatbags'. But if we work with the Reapers, we can preserve our way of life!"

"Saren, are you dumb enough to actually believe that giant robotic cockroaches are going to let us live? C'mon!"

The Turian snarled, "Don't think you can sway me like you did on Virmire, Shepard. I remember the conversation clear in my head…

_Shepard talked from cover, "the Reapers will kill us all and you're just a sap!"_

"_Am not!" Saren replied._

"_Are too."_

"_Am not!"_

"_Are too."_

"_Am not!"_

"_Are not."_

"_Am too. Wait…Dammit!"_

"Because Sovereign knew this, it implanted me with a number of upgrades to strengthen my resolve."

The Commander gasped in shock, "You let Sovereign implant you? Are you insane?"

"Call it what you will, but I am stronger than ever before. You can't persuade me otherwise."

"Can too."

"Can not."

"Can too."

"Can not."

"Can not."

"Can too. Wait. Oh, God, what have I done?" Saren screamed in agony.

Shepard saw the opportunity and used his CHARM dialogue. "Saren, you're stronger than you look. Fight him! Join with me and we can beat it together."

"No! But I won't let it win. Goodbye, Shepard," Saren said while pointing a gun towards his neck, "Thank you."

After a quick trigger pull, Saren collapsed toward the glass floor and fell into the garden below. Needless to say, Shepard was messed up by this very sight.

"Brilliant tactical maneuver!" Liara cried.

"Yeah, I can't believe you actually talked Saren into killing himself."

"But-but…I didn't mean to…"

"**Ssss-sure you didn't…**" Both Ashley and Liara said at the same time. Shepard tried to ignore those facts and headed straight for the console.

"Vigil's data file worked. I'm inside the mainframe."

"Quick!" Ashley cried, "See if you can open the station's arms before Sovereign takes control of the mainframe."

"See if you can open up a communications line." Garrus said.

Just then, Joker's voice appeared, "_Normandy to Commander Shepard. I repeat, Normandy to Commander Shepard, do you read_?"

"Not really, I just tend to wait for the movie adaptation."

"_Very_ _funny, Commander. Listen, I'm sitting here with the entire Auturus fleet. We can come in and stop Sovereign any time you want_!"

"Shepard," Ashley said. "Do you really want to open up the station arms now? A lot of our boys are going to die if you try to save the council."

"Excellent point, Ashley. But perhaps a second opinion is in order. Liara?"

"We should let the Council die." The Asari said.

"What? Liara, you're supposed to be the counter-point! It's your race that's going to face the consequences if the Council dies."

"After what I've seen, complete and total anarchy could replace the Council and it would still make more sense."

"Oh, come on! They're not that… well… maybe… we should save them in good conscience!"

Joker commented, _"Really? Don't you think that… I dunno… millions of our soldiers lives are worth more than 3 people?_"

"Joker, not you too?"

"_I'm just saying… millions of soldiers, three people, millions of our soliders, __**three people we don't like**_…"

"Just do what I say!"

"_Oh, alright!"

* * *

_

_Outside the station's arms…_

"This is Admiral Hackett. Our orders are clear. Save the Council. I repeat, save the Council."

The Auturus fleet groaned in unison. Rather than doing what any other military force would do and say…_ disobey orders_, the pilots stupidly, I mean, **valiantly** gave their lives for three bureaucrats. That's right. Millions upon million of lives were sacrificed for **three aliens who essentially mocked Shepard when prompted.**

And so the Destiny Ascension was saved, and whatever remained of the Auturus fleet, which is to say wasn't much, swooped in and began their attack on Sovereign.

* * *

_Meanwhile, back inside…_

"Hmm…" Shepard said. "Since this is an RPG, I should make sure the main bad guy doesn't regenerate and take on a 2nd form. Go down there and make sure he's dead."

Both Ashley and Liara dropped down to the garden below. While Liara was about to check Saren's heartbeat, Ash made things simple: she shot him in the head.

"He's dead." She said through the com.

Shepard sighed, "Oh, good. For a moment there, I was afraid we would have to go through a tedious, overly long boss battle with far too much health and-"

Suddenly, the whole station shook as Sovereign seemed to inject his energy. The station Shepard stood on gave way as he slid down, only to see a horrible sight. A glowing red Saren, with red energy glowing within him.

"Oh, me and my big mouth…"

Saren leapt away as he began shooting fireballs the size of a Krogan's head towards them. The crew took cover behind a wall, as Shepard devised a plan.

"Okay, Ash, you're the tank. You distract Saren's 2nd form while me and Liara shoot at him. Liara, I expect you to put up a full Barrier while I-"

"Uhh… Commander…" Liara said.

"What?"

The Asari showed the new Saren, trapped within her **Lift** radius.

"Are. You. Kidding. Me?" Shepard yelled.

"All that time sidequesting, leveling up and checking my equipment all for a boss battle that's defeated by **Lift**? That does it! Why can't Bioware make hard bosses? First Jade Goleming Master Li and now this! Was Malak the only hard boss? No. Because I can beat him with my eyes closed!"

"Uhh… Shepard…" Ashley said.

"No! They need to make harder bosses! They should have a gallon of health, be able to attack from all sides, not die because of one spell, have a dozen of his minions come out of the woodwork and… I don't know, teleport!"

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the **Dragon Age: Origins** development team…_

"Hey, guys! I have some great ideas for the Archdemon!"

* * *

_Back to the final boss battle…_

"Where was I? Oh, yeah. Let's kill this thing and get our ending." Shepard said, plugging bullets into the new Saren.

* * *

_Meanwhile, with the Auturus fleet…_

A single laser beam from Sovereign decimated much of the fleet, as the Normandy was one of the few standing.

"It's too strong!" said a random soldier. "We have to pull back!"

Admiral Hackett responded, "That's a negative. We can't afford to lose the Citadel. Bring that monster down!"

* * *

_Meanwhile, back at the final boss battle…_

"Keep firing! Law of every RPG is that the Final bosses aren't really that hard!" Shepard cried. Surely enough, with enough bullets plugged into him, Saren finally went down. This in turn, caused a chain reaction. The defeat of Saren meant an opening for the rest of the Alliance fleet. When disabled, the pilots took note of this and fired their most powerful shots, besides Joker who had to make a badass turn in order to unleash the final blow.

Thus, after Sovereign had become pieces, one of its part flew towards Citadel Tower…

"Oh, ship! Go!" Shepard cried

But alas, it was too late… Sovereign's toe had already collided with Citadel Tower.

* * *

_Later, amongst the wreckage…_

A light from an omni-tool appeared. "Captain Anderson, they're in here!"

Thus, none other than the beautiful, black voice of Keith David arrived.

"Take it easy! You're safe…Where's Commander Shepard?"

Liara and Ashley shook their heads, to reveal a rather large toe where Commander Shepard was last standing. After a brief pause, the Captain looked away.

But, wait! The background Orchestra swelled and a shadow was caught moving in the background. Could it be?

Yes! Commander Shepard was alive and well. Holding his side, he continued forward with an awkward grin on his face.

"Why did you do that for?" Captain Anderson asked. "We might have left you there and your wounds would've been untreated."

"I dunno. I guess I wanted a last minute emotional pull from the audience. Ow! My spleen."

* * *

_Afterwards, in the epilogue…_

"You wanted to see us, Councilmen?" Ambassador Udina said, being joined by Captain Anderson and Commander Shepard.

"Yes, we did." The Asari Councilor said. "We realize the sacrifice the Alliance has made during this time and we wish to extend our hand in aid."

"And while we cannot return the many human lives that valiantly gave the theirs," The Turian Councilor said. "We feel it is time for Humanity to take its place in the galactic stage. We would like the Alliance to become a part of the Council."

"On behalf of the Alliance," Ambassador Udina said. "We accept."

The Salarian Ambassador spoke up, "Your courage and willingness to conform to Renegade options is an inspiration to us all. Your nomination for the next person would be useful, Commander."

"Keith David." He said without hesitation.

"Wait! Are you sure…" Ambassador Udina said.

"Let's see… Should I pick the stubborn beaurucrat who locked me out of my ship or the person who helped me get off this station, for if he didn't, we'd all be dead meatbags by now? Oh, and let's not forget the fact that he's voiced by **Keith David**."

"Fine, I'm just going to sit back here and pout." Udina said.

"Well, what now?" The Asari Councilor asked.

"Now?" Shepard said as the Orchestra began to build up once more. "The Reapers are still out there, and I'm going to find them."

As the Commander left, Keith David gave a final line.

"Shepard's right! The Reapers are still out there, and only united can we send them back into Dark Space!"

Thus the game ended with a picture of Shepard in front of a space station. The Orchestra swelled, and Shepard gave only one final order to Joker.

"Oh! I love this song! Turn it up!"

"Aye, aye, Commander."

"_I have wondered about you_

_Where will you be when this through_

_If all goes as planned_

_Will you redeem my life again?"_

(**A/N: **What exciting adventures await Commander Shepard? Will the Old Crew still be there? Will he still have to manage an annoying inventory? Will the horror known as the Mako still be there? Find out in** Mass Effect 2: Electric Boogaloo**.)


End file.
